I came home and the wife said, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
I said, "You've had your hair done,"
"No", she replied.
I said, "A new dress?"
"No", she replied.
"You've done your makeup then."
"No", she replied.
I said, "I give up."
She said, "I'm wearing a gas mask!"
I got fired from the pasta factory . . .
. . . just for making a fusilli mistakes.
My wife really knows how to show me a good time.
She points at people and says, "Look, they've having a good time".
It's called 'Getting your guns out' because you have the right to bare arms.
Metamorphosis isn't the only book about a man who wakes one day to discover he's suddenly a beetle. There's also Ringo Starr's autobiography.
My girlfriend says I'm paranoid. Well she doesn't say it, but she thinks it.
I've got a solution to the growing problem of obesity in schoolchildren - bring back bullying. Some people think that's a bit harsh, and they could be right, you shouldn't have a go at the fat kids, they've got enough on their plates already.
I've got one of those anti-bullying wrist bands. Didn't buy it; nicked it off a wimpy kid.
Somebody told me I was the second least inquisitive person they'd ever met and I said 'That's good'.
I thought I saw Idris Elba in town earlier, but it turned out it was just Idris Arse.
Ampersand should really be written ampers&.
Why do you never hear Michelle Pfeiffer in the toilet? Because she has a silent P.
My jacket has patches on the elbows as it used to be a smoking jacket.
