Cat Funeral

From Half-Full

My girlfriend's cat died so I bought her another one just like it.

She was furious.

"What am I going to do with two dead cats?"

Cat Funeral

From JimBenton

Billy tells his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.

"How did you know it was dead?" asks his teacher.

"Because I pissed in its ear & it didn't move" says Billy.

"You did what!?" screams the teacher.

"You know" explains Billy, "I leant over and went Pssst & it didn't move."

Start The Month With Some Delaneys

I recently took my naval exams. I got seven Cs.

 

To a pearl the world is their oyster.

 

The tensest crowd I've ever seen was at the funeral of the man who invented the Jack-in-the-box.

 

One time I took a sleeper train, but it got activated and I woke up in Moscow.

 

One time I was lucky enough to see Fats Domino in concert, unfortunately he fell over, and then the rest of his band fell over too.

 

I recently took my apiary exams. I got a B.

 

I can't believe today is national premature ejaculation day already. It comes quicker every year.

 

Needless speech marks are bad enough, but unnecessary apostrophes are grocer.

 

I just tried to use the Turing Test website but I couldn't get past the I'm Not a Robot screen.

 

I'm not saying I was a geeky at school, but I once turned a picture of a topless woman upside down to see if it said 58008.

 

Statisticians seem nice at first but in the end they always revert to mean. 

 

I went for a job with EasyJet. They said where do you see yourself in 5 years time? I said 50 miles away from where I claimed I was going, and they gave me the job.

 

Boxing gloves don't have fingers so they should really be called boxing mittens.

 

They say every cigarette takes 11 minutes off your life, and it's true. When I started smoking I was 84.

Protection Racket

From Bound and Gagged

The man who invented the throat lozenge has passed away...

There was no coffin at the funeral.

Death By Laser

From BogartCreek

Sad news. The guy who owns our local cinemaplex has died.

His funeral will be on Friday at 12.30, 4.15 and 8.40.

Please note 8.40 is in 3D.

Time Machine

From Scribbly G

The inventor of the snooze button has died.

His funeral will take place tomorrow at 6.00, 6.09, 6.18, 6.27 and 6.36.

Box Sizes



From Bizarro

 

Final Words

 

From Bizarro

 

End Of The Road

 

From Teddy Tietz

 

Preparation

 

From JimBenton

 

Funerals

From Bizarro

From Bizarro

From Bizarro

Thatcheration Point

April 17th is going to be a great day to bury bad news, which is what we used to call Mrs Thatcher in the 80s.

Government confirms state funeral next week for the phrase "Don't speak ill of the dead".

Apparently this will be the first time there's been a mass picket outside heaven…

A Yorkshire Love Story

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Yorkshire wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon

'Bugger off' she said, 'they're for the funeral!

Bagpiper at a funeral....

I found this anonymous article deeply moving -- I hope you do, too.




As a bagpiper, I play many ‘gigs’. Recently I was asked by a
Funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
Man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
Pauper's' cemetery in the back country.



As I was not familiar with the backwoods I got lost and, being a typical man, didn't stop for directions.



I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
Gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
Diggers and crew left, and they were eating lunch.



I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
Side of the grave, looked down and saw the vault lid was already in
Place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.



The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
Out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man.



And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes
And started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.



As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I
Never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic
Tanks for twenty years."



Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing