Finding A Wife

From Faceless

I just found out that my wife has a Tinder profile and I'm furious.

She is absolutely not "adventurous", and "fun to be around"!

Homecoming

From Bliss

I couldn't believe it today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine.

She says I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.

Stressful Activity

From Faceless

My girlfriend accused me of cheating on her...

She's beginning to sound just like my wife!

Married Robots

From Rhymes With Orange

Reasons my wife gets mad at me:

1. Something something something

2. Some other stuff

3. I don't pay attention when she talks

Object Of Affection

From Portsherry

My wife's the double of the blonde one in Abba.

I can never remember whether it's Benny or Björn.

Ex Wife

From Faceless

My wife left me for another man.

All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out.

And while he's going through all that, I'll be in the pub with my mates every night.

Inattentive

From Faceless

Girlfriend Problems

From Faceless

Cleaning Golf Shoes

Jack decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes; his wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence, she finally speaks.  "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing.  Maybe you should just sell your golf clubs."

Jack gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

And Jack says, "There for a minute, you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

And Jack replies, "I wasn't."

The Trials Of A Lawyer

A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had seemingly failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'..... And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'For the love of God woman, don't you ever stop?'

Husband Day Care Centre

A Texas Limo

Lingerie

A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that  it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says; 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.

His funeral is this Thursday.