Happy

From Jonesy

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

Hot And Dry

From Jonesy

I feel sorry for the staff of Greggs in this weather.

They must be baking in there.

Strike While The Iron's Hot

From Private Eye

From Jonesy

We haven't found a solution for climate change yet, but . . .

. . . we're definitely getting warmer.

Competence Based Interviewing

From Jonesy

Interviewer: I'm sorry, I don't think that you're really suited to the role of librarian.

Brian Blessed: WHY NOT?

Lab Workers

From Jonesy

Me: "Do you mind if I leave work early?"

Boss: "Only if you can make up the time."

Me: "Okay, it's eleventy past twine."

Introduction

From Jonesy

After every Christmas I get so addicted to eating cold turkey that when it runs out I get withdrawal symptoms.

Brexit

From Jonesy

How much space did Brexit free up in the EU?

1GB

Missing Chocolate

From Jonesy

"My mate has a Quality Street chocolate stuck in his windpipe."

"The purple one?"

"Yes, that's him."