What I Did In The Summer Holidays

From OffTheMark

Why can keyboards never sleep?

Because they have two shifts.

Hair BnB

From TheArgyleSweater

Yesterday I put a giant map of the world up on the kitchen wall and gave my wife a dart.

I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday next year.

It looks like we're going to be spending three weeks behind the fridge.

While The Cat's Away

From Strange Brew

I Like To Count Backwards On Wednesdays

 

I like to count backwards on Wednesdays,

It's something that I’ve always done,

I start at a thousand and twenty,

and stop at a hundred and one.

 

I like to count backwards on Wednesdays,

As a hobby it makes me unique,

It's something that gives me an interest in life

And I find it helps break up the week.

 

When I first began counting backwards,

My troubles and woes disappeared,

A friend of mine says he counts sideways,

But he's always been a bit weird.

 

I like to count backwards on Wednesdays,

It's good for both spirit and mind,

Someone asked if I’d do it on Thursdays,

Suffice it to say I declined.

 

I like to count backwards on Wednesdays,

And I hope you now understand why,

If you don't I can't help any further.

I've another appointment - goodbye.

 

John Dredge

Holiday Snaps

From Truth Facts

I got bit by a donkey once.

It was on holiday in Spain.

Who even knew donkeys had holidays?

Our Trip To Australia

From Chucklebros

Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia on a Mastercard?

Because his Visa didn't work!

11 Delaneys

A palindromedary camel has the same number of humps going backwards or forwards.

More Americans are killed in shootings than by fire and that's because if you shout "fire" in America someone will shoot you.

 

I love looking at things through a magnifying glass to see what they're made of, for example not many people know this but ants are actually made of fire.  

 

I got bit by a donkey once.

It was on holiday in Spain.

Who even knew donkeys had holidays?

 

Password tip for married men.

Use something you did wrong as that way your wife will never let you forget it.

 

My robot friend always wondered why his family ran on DC current but he ran on AC, until one day he found out he was adapted.

 

My Grandad was a famous spy in World War Two, which is how he got caught.

 

I saw a sign in Specsavers saying children should not be left without supervision. If they had that they wouldn't be in Specsavers.

 

One time I burped in front of the Queen which is a crime but it's OK as she gave me a pardon.

 

I'm not saying I'm accident prone but I just got a paper cut from a risk assessment form.

 

My first wife left me because of my obsession with clickbait and you won't believe what happened next.

Christmas Spirit

From Loading Artist

I just found out that I have 2 weeks to live.

My wife just went on holiday for a fortnight.

Busman's Holiday

From Wrong Hands

My auntie Marge has been ill for so long we changed her name to 'I can't believe she's not better'.

Banking App

It's okay, they scan the serial numbers and make sure you can't deposit the same note more than once.

From xkcd

I walked out of Tesco yesterday and saw a woman crying her eyes out saying she'd lost all her holiday money.

I felt so bad for her that I gave her £50.

I don't usually do things like that but I was feeling generous as I'd just found 2 grand in the car park....

Holiday Pictures

From Bored Panda

My mate said "I'm going on holiday to the south of France".

I said "Where, exactly?"

He said "Spain".

Targeted Freds

Been There, Done That, . . .

From Moderately Confused

My friend went to Florida and all I got was . . . 

Home Schooling Problems

 

From OffTheMark

 

From Moderately Confused

As scientists say testing and tracing is key to schools reopening, kids say they're happy to do the tracing but would like to skip the tests. - HIGNFY

Spicing Things Up

From Faceless

Hot Date

From Bizarro

Even More Gary Delaney Quotes

I took some lovely pictures at the art gallery today, so if anybody wants to buy a slightly dented Picasso...

 

I've just wiped my bottom, luckily it was backed up earlier.

 

I told my girlfriend we're not going to an eighties fancy dress party, but she remains adamant.

 

When I was mysteriously rejected for a job as a courier I took it very badly.

 

You can tell when you get to Spaghetti Junction because there's a great big fork in the road.

 

Hosted a pub quiz to raise money for research into undiagnosed heart problems. Everything was going really well 'til the sudden death round.

 

There are two types of people, people who get the job done and

 

This new rowing machine really works! We're already bickering  over how much it cost and how long until it gets shoved in the loft.

 

Yodel - Piercing high-pitched wail, usually emitted by someone who's waited in all day for a delivery that didn't arrive.

 

I once went on  an 18-30 holiday but 12 years was just too long.

 

Just watched Edward Scissorhands, I thought it was better than Edward Paperhands but not as good as Edward Stonehands.

 

I tried a bit of nude painting today, it went really well, and now everyone says my front door looks lovely.

 

I've just asked the man from Del Monte who his favourite prog rock band is.

 

Words can't express how good I think my creative writing tutor is.

Ideal Holiday

 

From Buni Comic