When You Wish Upon A Star

From StrangeTrek

I used to work for the circus.

I was a human cannonball.

Until they fired me.

Cat Burglar

From OffTheMark

I never thought that I'd be the sort of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

AI Café

From Pardon My Planet

I was in a restaurant when a waitress shouted "ANYONE KNOW CPR?"

I said "Yeah I know the whole alphabet!"

Everyone laughed.

Well, everyone except this one guy!

Threesome

From Bliss

I bought a mail order bride but I was out when she was delivered so now she’s married to the bloke next door.

Every Book You Ever Wanted

There was a fire drill at IKEA yesterday . . .

. . . we all assembled in the car park!

Visiting Ararat

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

I've just checked my home insurance policy, and apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, I'm not covered!

Bonus

From Buni Comic

I am on a diet and my friend asked me how it's going

"Not good", I said, "I had eggs for breakfast."

"Fried?" He asked.

"Chocolate!" I replied.

Opposites Attract

From Mark Lynch

Why do polar bears only live at the north pole?

Because if they also lived at the south pole, they would be bipolar bears.

Going The Extra Mile

From Twonk Comics

I was in a taxi the other day and the driver asked, “Is it okay if I put some music on?”

I responded, “Yeah, that’s fine, go ahead”.

He said, “Kiss?”.

I replied, “Look, just play the music first and then we’ll see how I feel”.

Open

From smbc

I’m not saying I’m old but when I was a kid if someone said they were on the Spectrum it meant they’d sat on your computer.

Puked Lunch

From Rhymes With Orange

A man was in the habit of getting drunk several times a week.

Enough is enough thought his wife, so she told him, “If you come home drunk once more, I’m leaving you”

The man went out that night with the best of intentions but ended up drinking so much that he vomited all over himself.

“My goodness, I appear to have vomited all over myself” he proclaimed.

“I smell of regurgitated spirits”, he said to his drinking companion, “now my wife will leave me”.

“Fear not” said the drinking companion, “Just walk in with £20 in your hand and say that someone else vomited on you and then gave you £20 for dry cleaning”.

So, the man went home and when he was accused of being drunk explained, “No, no dear I’m not drunk, see I was given £20 by the man who vomited all over me so that I could have my clothes dry cleaned.”

“Is that so”, asked his wife. “Then tell me, why do you have another £20 in your other hand?”

“Oh”, said the man, ”that was from the guy who shat in my pants.”

Where's My Easter Egg

Why is bread the body of Christ?

Because he is risen.

Nightime Fairy

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I had to get my pet lizard some Valium as he has been a bit stressed out.

Now he's a calmer, calmer, calmer chameleon!

Pigeon Acoustics

Bagpipes are the only instrument that, when you learn to play them properly, sound exactly the same as when you started.

Fools

From At Random Comics

Today is the perfect day to propose because if they say no, you can just pretend it was a prank.

Also, does anybody want to buy a ring?