Menu Choice

From Andertoons

From Andertoons

From Andertoons

From Rubes

I’ve just been to a restaurant where they served roast pelican . . .

. . . it was very tasty, but the bill was enormous!

I'm The One On The Right

From Chaz Hutton

Me: Doctor, I've been having trouble with my memory, I keep forgetting things

Doctor: Okay, how long has this been going on for?

Me: How long's what been going on for?

Dating A Model

From Jon Adams / Cityclops

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop-dead gorgeous woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the stunned man.

With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says: "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of whisky?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies: "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says: "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point, she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks: "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs: "Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there."

Unexpected Benefit

From Looks Good On Paper

Just got a new job collecting litter.

When I asked about training, they said "You'll pick it up as you go along. "

Poor Roland

From Mark Lynch

What happens when you boil a funny bone?

It becomes a laughing stock.

Failure

From smbc

I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

Staying Distanced

From Bliss

Isolated

 

From Buni Comic

 

From Bruce Plante

How long is this social distancing thing meant to last? My husband keeps trying to come back into the house.

Marooned?