Space Bar

Working Animals

Stem Cells

From Bizarro

From Bizarro

The Armstrong Family

Call Centre Conversations

Customer:     'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator:     'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer:     'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator:     'Sir, those are our opening hours'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller:          'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator:     'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller:          'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC  wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator:      'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller:          'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in  Australia  ?'
Operator:      ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in  France  ):
'If I register my car in  France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller:               'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in  Cardiff  please'.
Operator:          'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller:               'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller:             'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:      'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer:             'OK'..
Tech Support:      'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer:             'No'.
Tech Support:      'OK Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer:             'No'.
Tech Support:      'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer:            'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:          'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer:                 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller:  'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------- Operator:         'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator:         'What sort of trouble??'
Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator:         'Went away?'
Caller:              'They disappeared.'
Operator:         'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller:              'Nothing.'
Operator:         'Nothing??'
Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator:         'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller:              'How do I tell?'
Operator:         'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator:         'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller:              'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator:         'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller:              'What's a monitor?'
Operator:         'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller:               'I don't know.'
Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'
Operator:         'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller:              'Yes, it is.'
Operator:         'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back  of it, not just one??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller:               'Okay, here it is.'
Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller:               'I can't reach.'
Operator:          'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller:               'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator:          'Dark??'
Caller:               'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator:           'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller:               'I can't.'
Operator:          'No? Why not??'
Caller:               'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator:           'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller:               'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator:           'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller:                'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator:            'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller:                 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator:            'Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

Scam Warning

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works; two nice looking, college age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Aug. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29^th and subsequently on Sept. 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th & 17th, and very likely again this coming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.

It's Not About The Drugs

Tesco Burgers - Everything You Want From A Store And A Little Bit Mare

29% of the meat content in Tesco's hamburgers turns out to be horse.  No wonder they gave me the trots.

They've also got a range of mini burgers to sample before the main meal.  They're calling them horse d'oeuvres.

Still, it's good to see them trying to tap a Newmarket.

And they go really well with Ginger McCain oven chips.

Sadly, I got some Tesco burgers out of the freezer earlier aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnndddddddd they’re off.

My brother ate them even though they were off and ended up in hospital.  Doctors say that his condition is stable.

Even vegetarians aren't safe.  I gather that they are putting uniQuorn in the veggie burgers too.

Mind you, if you think that Tesco's horse burgers are bad you should try their quarter pandas.

The guy on the meat counter is trying to rise above it by telling burger jokes; but they're starting to wear a bit thin and he says that he feels like he's flogging a dead horse.

I told him not to worry about it, it won't last furlong.

Tesco burgers recipe. Mince meat, garlic powder, paprika, fresh herbs, an egg and fine diced stallions.

Some people  seem desperate to buy some horse burgers though.  I saw about a dozen of them at the meat counter jockeying for position.

I might go and get some later.  Does anyone know if Tesco Ascot any left?

I got some horse burgers from Aldi the other day.  They were okay but I prefer My Lidl Pony burgers.

Life Of Pie

Choosing Shampoo

Test Your Stupidity

I'm With . . .

From Bizarro

New Dance Craze

World Concern

From Cyanide and Happiness

Crazy Laws

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense!)
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different in reverse?)
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
No golf clubs....I hear a 3 iron works well.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought!)
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.
(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam!)