Parenting Technique

From At Random Comics

My wife and I have decided that we don't want to have children.

We'll be telling them tonight over dinner.

Favourite

From Andertoons

Daughter: Can I keep the night light on?

Dad: And provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? Use your head sweetie.

Parenting Technique

From OffTheMark

People get really annoyed when I read over their shoulders on trains which is stupid as I'm not even that loud.

The Reality Of Being A Parent

From smbc

What time is it when you see a cow laying in a field?

Pasture bedtime!

Lifestyle Choice

From Will McPhail

It must be hard to be a parent nowadays.

You have to explain the birds & the bees.

The bees & the bees.

The birds & the birds.

The birds that used to be bees.

The bees that used to be birds.

The birds that look like bees and the bees that look like birds but still have a stinger.

Monster In The Cupboard

From The Odd 1s Out

Husband: If I died, would you date another man?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him move into our house?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him sleep in our bed?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him use my Golf Clubs?

Wife: Definitely not.

Husband: Is that because they are personal to me?

Wife: No, it's because he is left-handed.

Providers

From Strange Brew

I couldn't find any Oxo cubes in the supermarket today.

They must be out of stock.

Not For Parents - Or Maybe For All Parents

From JimBenton

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

 

But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another's throats.

 

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don't have any kids yourself.

 

This Be The Verse by Philip Larkin

Unheeded Warning

From Rhymes With Orange

If snails are so slow, why don't we ever see them coming?

It's just boom, there's another snail.

Kid Napping

From GoatToSelf

After a long discussion and practical evaluation, my wife and I decided we don't want to have kids.

We'll be telling them tomorrow, after dinner.

Early DNA Test

From The Argyle Sweater

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."

Husband: "What's up?"

Wife: "According to DNA test results, this is not our kid."

Husband: "We already knew that, you remember, don't you?

When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had soiled the nappy we'd just put on him. And you said:

'Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here.'"

Weaning

From Rhymes With Orange

I don't eat croissants because I've got eczema and I never quite know when I've finished.

This Be The Rhyme

From Wumo

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a lead.

The bartender says "You can't have that thing in here! Get out!"

The guy says "It's okay, this Alligator is highly trained.

Just give me a few seconds and I'll show you."

 

The bartender, intrigued, gives him the go-ahead.

The man gingerly lifts the alligator up onto a table.

By this point, everybody in the bar is gawking at this strange man and his pet.

The man grins around the room.

 

Having a new audience, he clears his throat and says "This is Allie the Amazing Alligator, and he is so well-trained that I can do this,"

He balls up his fist and gives the alligator a swift crack on the head.

"OPEN!" He says.

The alligator opens his mouth.

Before the bartender can do anything, the man unzips his fly and gingerly places his penis in the front of the alligator's gaping maw.

 

He wallops the alligator once more and says "CLOSE!" and the alligator ever-so-gently closes his terrifying jaws comfortably around his junk.

 

One last time, he raps his head and says "OPEN!"

He removes his unharmed manhood, and tucks it safely back into his pants.

The crowd applauds, and he takes a bow.

 

With all eyes still focused on him, he says "Now, if any of you guys have the balls to do that, I'll buy you a drink and give you fifty dollars."

Silence falls over the bar, and everyone looks around for someone who might be willing to take the bet.

After a few endless, uncomfortable seconds, a little dude in the back slowly raises his hand and says "I'll do it, but you have to promise not to hit me so hard."

Balancing Act

From Little Porpoise

Replacing Nemo

From Scribbly G

Head Support

From Cyanide & Happiness

Home Made Food

From Liz Climo

Teacher

 

From LunarBaboon

Qualified Parents

From Bizarro

Influence

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From xkcd

 

From LunarBaboon

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