What's Your Memory Like?

From Liniers Cartoon

A week of national rail strikes begins today.

Train shortages, cancellations and travel chaos are expected to be unaffected.

Ghost Cat

From Scribbly G

Always remember, if you travel by ghost train, watch out for the ticketing spectre.

Relaxed

From Remi Lascault

I phoned the boss, "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now."

"What?", he answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "It's five o'clock in the morning! What are you doing on a train?"

I said, "You're the one who told me you wanted me in Brighton early this morning!"

Start The Month With Some Delaneys

I recently took my naval exams. I got seven Cs.

 

To a pearl the world is their oyster.

 

The tensest crowd I've ever seen was at the funeral of the man who invented the Jack-in-the-box.

 

One time I took a sleeper train, but it got activated and I woke up in Moscow.

 

One time I was lucky enough to see Fats Domino in concert, unfortunately he fell over, and then the rest of his band fell over too.

 

I recently took my apiary exams. I got a B.

 

I can't believe today is national premature ejaculation day already. It comes quicker every year.

 

Needless speech marks are bad enough, but unnecessary apostrophes are grocer.

 

I just tried to use the Turing Test website but I couldn't get past the I'm Not a Robot screen.

 

I'm not saying I was a geeky at school, but I once turned a picture of a topless woman upside down to see if it said 58008.

 

Statisticians seem nice at first but in the end they always revert to mean. 

 

I went for a job with EasyJet. They said where do you see yourself in 5 years time? I said 50 miles away from where I claimed I was going, and they gave me the job.

 

Boxing gloves don't have fingers so they should really be called boxing mittens.

 

They say every cigarette takes 11 minutes off your life, and it's true. When I started smoking I was 84.

The Ballad Of Railroad Man

From Cyanide & Happiness

Diesel Train

From Rhymes With Orange

Even though I never went to boarding school,

I still know how to get on a train.

Ghost Train

From Scribbly G

I bought a Harrods picnic blanket today.

Not much of a story, I know: nevertheless, I shall be dining out on it for weeks to come.

How Trains Are Made

From Skeleton Claw

"How do you fancy having the best sex you ever dreamed of darling?" I asked the drop dead gorgeous young lady in the pub last night.

She looked at me with utter disdain and said "No I bloody well don't fancy that at all!"

I said "Well, I'm your man then!"

11 Groaners

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I had a mate who was suicidal. 
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. 
He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. 
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. 
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could help her to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. 
A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70 each! 
Bollocks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. 
I thought it was a good Korea move.

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. 
From next week, all the forms will be printed in English only.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. 
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. 
I thought to myself, 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. 
To be fair the audience did try to warn him.