Croc Infested Waters

From Mark Lynch

I think my doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear.

I overheard him telling his colleague that I had serious healthy shoes!

Artistic Zoom

From JimBenton

I don't know the science behind it, but if you're totally naked and you want to feel even more naked all you have to do is put on some shoes.

There Was An Old Lady

From Bizarro

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.

Rise and Shine

From Loading Artist

When I was a kid, my mother told me to put a clean pair of socks on each day.

By the time I got to Saturday I couldn't get my shoes on!

Spider Problems

From OffTheMark

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Customers Who Bought This Item . . .

From Mark Lynch

My latest money making idea was a rubber beach shoe for one-legged people.

It was a flop.

Inventory Problems

From Loose Parts

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.  I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

Honk

From The Far Side

I noticed a load of random items on my bank statement (size 80 shoes, a bicycle horn, a huge plastic flower).

I contacted my bank and apparently my card has been clowned.

Peek-a-boo

From JimBenton

INSTRUCTOR: pull your shute!
ME: my shoe?
INSTRUCTOR: your parachute!
ME: my pair of shoes?
[later]
CORONER: Where's his shoes?

Email Receipt

From System 32 Comics

[shopping]

Girlfriend: "Babe, I really love these shoes but I left my purse at home"

Me: "How much are they?"

Girlfriend: "£750"

Me: *opens wallet*

Girlfriend: [excited]

Me: "Here's £10. Get a taxi and go and fetch your purse. I'll wait for you here".

The Old Normal

From Wrong Hands

Tripping

What's great about living in Switzerland?

Well the flag is a big plus.

Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.

Bought a litre of Tipp-Ex yesterday. Huge mistake.

Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. I laughed more than I thought.

Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers. Best dam programme I've seen in a long time.

I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.

My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.

Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain? It's too wet to woo.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.  I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

I told my girlfriend that she'd drawn her eyebrows on to high.  She seemed surprised.

Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5 and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?

Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

Clownderella

 

From Bizarro

 

Zen Teachings

1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
 
2.  Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
    
3.  No one is listening until you fart.
 
4.  Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
 
5.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
 
6.  If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7.  Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
 
8.  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
 
10.  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.   
 
11.  If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
 
12.  Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind-shield.
 
13.. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
 
14.  Good judgement comes from bad experience ...  And most of that comes from bad judgement.
 
15.  A closed mouth gathers no foot.
 
16.  There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
 
17.  Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
 
18.  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
 
19.  We are born naked, wet and hungry, and then are slapped on our bottoms ...  Then things just keep getting worse.
 
20.  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.