Party Pooper

From Mark Lynch

I've decided to call everyone Dave.

Just to see if it'll trigger a reaction.

Classic Susan

From Will McPhail

As a practical joke I set up a bucket of liquid nitrogen so that it fell on our chemistry teacher when he opened the door.

He must have found it funny. He completely cracked up!

Shock Treatment

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

Jim: "I gave the postman a big shock today - I went to the door without any clothes on."

Jack: "Surely he has seen stuff like that before."

Jim: "Yes, but what really surprised him was that I knew where he lived."

Just Japes

From Bliss

TIP: All women find firemen sexy.

Why not treat your lady to a sexy midnight surprise by leaving the chip-pan on when you go to bed?

Kinda Surprise

What do you call an expired avocado?

Guaca-moldy

Surprise

From Cyanide & Happiness

Stress Test

From Bizarro

Tripping

What's great about living in Switzerland?

Well the flag is a big plus.

Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.

Bought a litre of Tipp-Ex yesterday. Huge mistake.

Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. I laughed more than I thought.

Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers. Best dam programme I've seen in a long time.

I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.

My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.

Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain? It's too wet to woo.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.  I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

I told my girlfriend that she'd drawn her eyebrows on to high.  She seemed surprised.

Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5 and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?

Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

Surprise Party

Hypnotherapist, Psychiatrist, Surprise

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but last weekend I broke that trust and slept with a man I met in a pub whilst out with my girlfriends. The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”
The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Oh no, not again …”

- - - -

Jim went to a psychiatrist and told him, “I can’t sleep.  Every time I get into bed I think there’s somebody under it.

“Come to me three times a week for two years and I’ll cure your fears”, the shrink says, “and I’ll charge you only £50 a visit”.
Jim said he’d think about it.
Six months later, he runs in the doctor who asks why he never came back.
“For £50 a visit?”, Jim says, “My mate Harry cured me for a few beers and a curry.”
“Impossible!” said the outraged therapist, “How could he do that?”
“Simple, he told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

- - - -

A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant.
They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken surprise.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He didn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
"Well sir", says the waiter, "What did you order?"
"We both chose the same", he replies, "the chicken surprise".
"Oh I do apologise, this is my fault" says the waiter, "I've brought you the Peeking Duck"
 
- - - -

Immature Potential Plagiarism Eyebrows