Best Before

From Speedbump

The best before date printed on food always ruins the surprise,

There should be a spoiler alert.

On A Mission

From Rhymes With Orange

I'm just getting my beach gear together and after all the eating I've done this winter I'm happy to report that my flip flops still fit.

Apple Burgers

From FoodBeast

I spotted someone stealing something from the Apple Store.

So new, I'm an iWitness.

Flying Pigs

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.

"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.

"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.

Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.

Not Caring

From smbc

I went to an Indian restaurant the other day and decided to try the toucan curry.

The food was delicious but the bill was ridiculous.

Phonetically Defined 3

From Wrong Hands

Can I Try

From Buddy Gator

My wife has just called and told me that she'll be home soon and wants fish for dinner.

I'd better get my skates on.

All You Can Eat Buffet

From Private Eye

I got banned from Weight Watchers for dropping a bag on M&Ms on the floor.

It was the best game of Hungry Hippos that I've ever seen.

Mealtimes in 1965

From Strange Brew

I just bought some counterfeit Mr Kipling cakes.

I must say, they're exceedingly good fakes.

Square Meal

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I went to the best burger van ever yesterday.

It was so good it had 4 Michelin tyres.

Vegetarian

From Joe Dator

Why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell someone they're a vegan!

Ladies Night

From Jon Adams / Cityclops

Don't forget to buy enough food for 27 days today as the shops will be shut for 48 hours over Christmas.

Volunteer?

From Bizarro

I got a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar this year.

Behind every door is someone telling you to go away and leave them alone.

Providers

From Strange Brew

I couldn't find any Oxo cubes in the supermarket today.

They must be out of stock.

Eating For Two

From Twonk Comics

I got myself a vegetable patch.

It's going really well and now I've completely given up eating vegetables.  

A Kiss From A Fair Maiden

From Tim Rickard

After kissing a girl on her sofa for a while she said, "let's take this upstairs".

"Okay", I said, "you grab one end and I'll grab the other".

Why You Shouldn't Show Off In Restaurants

From Cornered

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

Jane ate her friend's colon.

The Bear Necessities

From Loading Artist

To start a zoo, you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and three polars.

That's the bear minimum.

The Pelican Briefing

From Ellis Rosen

My local cinema lost almost £1000 in a smash and grab raid yesterday.

The thieves got away with two cartons of popcorn, two large Cokes and a packet of Skittles!

Without Pyjamas

From Mark Lynch

Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?

It's true; for example, when was the last time you ate a monkey.