On A Mission

From Rhymes With Orange

I'm just getting my beach gear together and after all the eating I've done this winter I'm happy to report that my flip flops still fit.

Due Date

From AThirdThing

When my wife was pregnant there were various things that she just couldn't do.

For example, she couldn't reach to tie her own laces, so I had to do that for her.

And she couldn't run to catch the bus.

Sometimes we'd go shopping and I'd be back home hours before her.

Penguin Problems

From Rhymes With Orange

When we visited the Eiffel Tower my twin brother walked up the stairs, but I took the lift.

I guess we are raised differently.

One Of Nine

From Andertoons

My wife just told me that in 9 months, I'm in for a big surprise...

I can't wait for Santa to come now!

Avoiding The Talk

From BerkeleyMews

I had a vasectomy so that my wife wouldn't get pregnant.

But it turns out that all it does is change the colour of your baby's hair.

Eskimo Water

Russian Scan

From TheArgyleSweater

Bad News

From smbc

Pregnant Or Fat

Maternity Ward

From Teddy Tietz

Country Logic

When you're from the country, your perspective is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to Canterbury" said the boy.

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the
farmer.
"No, he went with Mum and Dad" the boy answered.

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message" said the boy.

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

One Track Mind

The room was full of pregnant women, with their husbands.
 
The instructor said:
 
"Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial.
It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
 
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both"
 
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
 
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
 
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
 
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
 
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?   This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

-------------

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.
His wife was standing there watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks.
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing.  Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
Jim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't!"

Social Scanning

Etiquette