Bikini Body

From War and Peas

My doctor says I should think about getting my stomach stapled.

It's great that at my age he still believes I could be a centrefold.

Test On Thursday

From The Jenkins

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results.

The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news.

"The good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry.

"The bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday."

Preserving Language

From smbc

My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.

Laser Eye Surgery

From OffTheMark

I said to my doctor "I've got a problem with one of my ears".

He said "Are you sure?"

I said "Yes, I'm definite".

Good News, Bad News

From JimBenton

Why did the archaeopteryx get the worm?

Because it was an early bird.

I'm The One On The Right

From Chaz Hutton

Me: Doctor, I've been having trouble with my memory, I keep forgetting things

Doctor: Okay, how long has this been going on for?

Me: How long's what been going on for?

Loyalty Data

From xkcd

"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a supermarket."

"How long have you felt like this?"

"Ever since I was Lidl!"

Communal Lift

From Chucklebros

I asked the doctor for something to treat my thrush.

He gave me a bag of mealworms.

Wordle Obsession

From Tom Gauld

I went to the doctor today because I was depressed as I kept finishing crosswords too quickly.

He told me not to get 2 down!

Steps

From Moderately Confused

Doctor: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Doctor: Yes

Me: No

Airline Luggage

From Close to Home by John McPherson

Someone has collapsed on the luggage carousel at Heathrow Airport.

Medics at the scene report they are coming round slowly!

Doctor Joke

From smbc

Doctor: "You're completely blind"

Me: "What are you saying?"

Doctor: "April Fools lol you're actually deaf"

Me: "What?"

Doctor: "Oh right"

Marriage Counselling

From Mark Lynch

A man and his wife were out on the golf course.

They've just played the first hole and are walking to the second tee when his wife is hit on the head by a stray golf ball and is knocked unconscious.

The husband panics and rushes into the clubhouse shouting, "Is there a doctor in the house? My wife's been knocked unconscious by a golf ball."

A chap at the bar pipes up, "I'm a doctor. Where has she been hit?"

The husband says, "In between the first and second holes."

"Blimey," says the doctor, "There won't be much room for a plaster."

The Man With The Flame Retardant Underpants

From The Argyle Sweater

Ok so I am really worried now.

I just showed my GP the rash on my genitals and he seemed pretty uncomfortable like he didn't want to touch it?

He just said make an appointment at the surgery tomorrow and walked off with his kids and shopping trolley.

Gotto Do The Admin

From Cyanide & Happiness

I'm not bothered that it takes so long to get an appointment to see my doctor.

Because, it gives me more time to save up for the prescription.

Single Blind

From Pardon My Planet

Doctor: "Relax, David. It's just a small surgery, don't panic."

Me: "But my name isn't David?"

Doctor: "I know. I'm David!"

Covering All Bases

From Mark Lynch

They say that time is a great healer.

Which would explain why doctor's surgeries make you wait 3 weeks for an appointment!

Carrot Juice

From Buni Comic

As a man is walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car.

After rushing to the hospital, the man paces the waiting room until the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery.

"Doctor, is my carrot alive, is it ok?"

The doctor sighs. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive".

The man breathes a sigh of relief. "What's the bad news doctor?"

The doctor looks him in the eyes and says, "Well I'm sorry but it's going be a vegetable for the rest of its life."

The Right Man For The Job

From Speedbump

I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me...

I just found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities!

Diet Advice

From Mark Lynch

They say that every piece of chocolate that you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes.

I've done the maths.

Apparently, I died in 1977.