Need A Ride?

From Benvinodi

A kid walks from his bedroom in a Tortoise costume.

Mother: Why are you wearing that costume?

Kid: I'm going to that costume party.

Mother: Isn't that next week?

Kid: Yeah, but I'm a Tortoise.

Where To Go For Sheep Videos

From Mark Lynch

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, to look it over.

He grabbed a bucket so that he could bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Animal Pals

From smbc

We each have only two or three minutes left to live.

Fortunately taking a breath resets the clock.

Missing Chocolate

From Jonesy

"My mate has a Quality Street chocolate stuck in his windpipe."

"The purple one?"

"Yes, that's him."

Apple Salesman

From Looks Good On Paper

What do you call someone who sees an Apple store getting robbed?

An iWitness.

Animals With Misleading Names

From Bird and Moon

I've never been a fan of The Smashing Pumpkins.

They're just trying to be Pulp.

Revolutionary Diet

From Moderately Confused

A whale swims all day, only consumes fish and water, and is fat.

A rabbit only eats vegetables, runs and hops all day long, and only lives 5 years.

Meanwhile a tortoise doesn't run and does nothing energetic, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to eat well and exercise! I don't think so.

This Be The Rhyme

From Wumo

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a lead.

The bartender says "You can't have that thing in here! Get out!"

The guy says "It's okay, this Alligator is highly trained.

Just give me a few seconds and I'll show you."

 

The bartender, intrigued, gives him the go-ahead.

The man gingerly lifts the alligator up onto a table.

By this point, everybody in the bar is gawking at this strange man and his pet.

The man grins around the room.

 

Having a new audience, he clears his throat and says "This is Allie the Amazing Alligator, and he is so well-trained that I can do this,"

He balls up his fist and gives the alligator a swift crack on the head.

"OPEN!" He says.

The alligator opens his mouth.

Before the bartender can do anything, the man unzips his fly and gingerly places his penis in the front of the alligator's gaping maw.

 

He wallops the alligator once more and says "CLOSE!" and the alligator ever-so-gently closes his terrifying jaws comfortably around his junk.

 

One last time, he raps his head and says "OPEN!"

He removes his unharmed manhood, and tucks it safely back into his pants.

The crowd applauds, and he takes a bow.

 

With all eyes still focused on him, he says "Now, if any of you guys have the balls to do that, I'll buy you a drink and give you fifty dollars."

Silence falls over the bar, and everyone looks around for someone who might be willing to take the bet.

After a few endless, uncomfortable seconds, a little dude in the back slowly raises his hand and says "I'll do it, but you have to promise not to hit me so hard."

Co-Habitortoise

From The Argyle Sweater

We were out having dinner when my girlfriend said, "We've been living together for three years now and you still haven't popped the question"

"Good point, when are you moving out?" I asked.

Shell Problems

From OffTheMark

From The Argyle Sweater

I went to an osteopath to sort out my bad posture.

I used to think they were all charlatans, but now I stand corrected.

Biting Off More Than You Can Chew

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents.

We had a lovely evening and after she'd gone, my dad leaned over and said, "Son, I think this one's a keeper."

I said "Awww dad, what makes you say that?"

He said "She smells of elephant dung".

Animals At Halloween

From Liz Climo

From Liz Climo

From Liz Climo

Helping Hand

From LunarBaboon

Ninja Turtles

From BerkeleyMews

Love Lizard

From The Perry Bible Fellowship