Good To Go

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I had a dream where I was swimming in orange soda.

I guess it was a Fanta Sea.

Nightime Fairy

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I had to get my pet lizard some Valium as he has been a bit stressed out.

Now he's a calmer, calmer, calmer chameleon!

Skill

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I used to work in a warehouse and one day I had a very heavy box to pick up.

I wasn't sure what the best way to do it was so I sent a message to my boss asking him and he texted straight back.

Familiar Perfume

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I met someone who smelt just like me.

He could have been my cologne.

Shred Of Evidence

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I took place in a police identity parade today.

The ones in uniform were the easiest to spot.

Local Map

From Andertoons

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I've just been to my local hospital and, whilst I was parking, I saw a sign saying "Thieves Operate Here".

Surely it would be safer to leave it to the Surgeons? 

Hiding and Finding

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

Can someone tell me who played Forrest Gump?

T.hanks.

Podcast

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I've had the shits for 6 weeks now.

This morning I was talking to a neighbour who's a doctor.

He told me not to worry and that they go back to school today!

Food Delivery

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up Pizza and Coke on the way back from work.

But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

Restless Sleeper

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

Insomnia is awful.

But on the plus side...

...only three more sleeps till Christmas.

Shock Treatment

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

Jim: "I gave the postman a big shock today - I went to the door without any clothes on."

Jack: "Surely he has seen stuff like that before."

Jim: "Yes, but what really surprised him was that I knew where he lived."

Furdresser

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

Is it weird to lick your knife after you've finished using it?

Because the other surgeons looked at me with disgust when I did it today.

Scared Inkless

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

Tentickles.

Modern Children

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

BREAKING NEWS:

A man was admitted to the hospital today with 25 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum.

Doctors have described his condition as stable.

Innovation

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

From Scribbly G

A few years ago, I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.

It was a flop.

Tarzan Of The Cats

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

My attractive female neighbour is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her; she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified?

Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

Lost Thought

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

Thought for the day:

I bet Rick Astley really struggles with Lent.

Buffet Professional

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I said to my mate "Do you think it's ever ok to have sex with an animal?"

He said "Which animal?"

I said "That's a good enough answer for me".

Animal Inspired Fashions

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I think my mate from Lancashire may be a transvestite.

He has a Wigan address.

Choice

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I got some of that sensitive toothpaste last winter when the water was cold.

I wish I hadn't bothered; it gets jealous whenever I use other toothpaste.