Point Of No Return

From Loose Parts

My girlfriend told me that she slept with 5 people before we met.

I usually wouldn’t mind, but I was only 20 minutes late!

Decision Making

From Loose Parts

I bought a self-assembly bookcase but it didn't work so I had to make it myself.

It Has Been . . .

From Loose Parts

I saw a sign that said "Watch Batteries Fitted Here".

I gave it ten minutes but it was no fun whatsoever.

Beep Beep

From Loose Parts

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all those ACME products, why didn't he just buy himself dinner?

Trophy Wall

From Loose Parts

In the northern hemisphere, small dogs chase their tails clockwise, but in the southern hemisphere, they chase them anticlockwise.

This is known as the corgiolis effect.

Snowman Clothing

From Loose Parts

I got home today and all the doors were wide open and everything was gone.

What sort of person does a thing like that to someone else's advent calendar?

Department Of Redundancy

From Loose Parts

Wow, that was quite a windy weekend we've just had.

In fact, the winds were so strong that my wheelie bin is on a speed awareness course next week!

Bad Neighbours

From Loose Parts

I helped my neighbour this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you."

I couldn't believe it.

You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!

How To Age The Elderly

From Loose Parts

I just spilt stain remover on my trousers.

How do I get that out?

Belated Confession

From Loose Parts

One time I made eye contact with a beautiful woman on the train and I'll never forget what she said.

She said 'Stop touching my eye'.

Bear Trap

From Loose Parts

I've ordered some German food over the internet.

The saurkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

Manx Overboard

From Loose Parts

A man is on holiday in the Maldives when his diving instructor asks him, "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards into the water?"

"Because, the man replies, "if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat".

Ex-pertees

From Loose Parts

The man who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at his funeral.

Super Optician

From Loose Parts

What happens to your eyesight when you have kids?

You get adult super vision.

Major Transplant

From Loose Parts

I've just 'phoned Argos to see if they had the game 'Operation' in stock.

Apparently there's a two year waiting list!

Lost & Fond

From Loose Parts

What do you call a magician who's lost his magic?

Ian

Fashion Faux Pas

From Loose Parts

From Loose Parts

I love the way greeting cards shops cover the whole range of human emotion, from extreme happiness all the way to 'blank inside'.

Inside Moles

From Loose Parts

I'm tired of people complaining about £6 beers, £8 parking and £10 cover charge.

If you don't like the prices, stop coming to my house.

Frozen

From Loose Parts

Why don't igloos have corners?

Corners are 90 degrees, the igloo would melt.

Cave Art

From Bizarro

From Rhymes With Orange

From 9to5

From Strange Brew

From Loose Parts

Wanted:

Someone to feed me doritos so that my fingers don't get all orange.

No weirdos.