Trophy Wall

From Loose Parts

In the northern hemisphere, small dogs chase their tails clockwise, but in the southern hemisphere, they chase them anticlockwise.

This is known as the corgiolis effect.

Snowman Clothing

From Loose Parts

I got home today and all the doors were wide open and everything was gone.

What sort of person does a thing like that to someone else's advent calendar?

Department Of Redundancy

From Loose Parts

Wow, that was quite a windy weekend we've just had.

In fact, the winds were so strong that my wheelie bin is on a speed awareness course next week!

Bad Neighbours

From Loose Parts

I helped my neighbour this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you."

I couldn't believe it.

You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!

How To Age The Elderly

From Loose Parts

I just spilt stain remover on my trousers.

How do I get that out?

Belated Confession

From Loose Parts

One time I made eye contact with a beautiful woman on the train and I'll never forget what she said.

She said 'Stop touching my eye'.

Bear Trap

From Loose Parts

I've ordered some German food over the internet.

The saurkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

Manx Overboard

From Loose Parts

A man is on holiday in the Maldives when his diving instructor asks him, "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards into the water?"

"Because, the man replies, "if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat".

Ex-pertees

From Loose Parts

The man who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at his funeral.

Super Optician

From Loose Parts

What happens to your eyesight when you have kids?

You get adult super vision.

Major Transplant

From Loose Parts

I've just 'phoned Argos to see if they had the game 'Operation' in stock.

Apparently there's a two year waiting list!

Fashion Faux Pas

From Loose Parts

From Loose Parts

I love the way greeting cards shops cover the whole range of human emotion, from extreme happiness all the way to 'blank inside'.

Inside Moles

From Loose Parts

I'm tired of people complaining about £6 beers, £8 parking and £10 cover charge.

If you don't like the prices, stop coming to my house.

Frozen

From Loose Parts

Why don't igloos have corners?

Corners are 90 degrees, the igloo would melt.

Cave Art

From Bizarro

From Rhymes With Orange

From 9to5

From Strange Brew

From Loose Parts

Wanted:

Someone to feed me doritos so that my fingers don't get all orange.

No weirdos.

How To Be . . .

From Loose Parts

I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the self-help section was.

She said she couldn't tell me as that would defeat the purpose.

Water

From Loose Parts

A bus full of Nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter.

St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so.

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"

The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."

St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"

"Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."

"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.

Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another!

St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"

Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

Insect Census Takers

From Loose Parts

How many cockroaches does it take to change a lightbulb?

Nobody knows. Once it turns on, they all scatter.

Eyepatch Emporium

From Loose Parts

I get really fed up of making spelling mistakes.

You mix up a couple of letters and your whole gag is urined.

Bad Day At The Office

From Loose Parts

If Mary gave birth to baby Jesus and baby Jesus is the Lamb of God, did Mary have a little lamb?