Unwelcome Gift

From OffTheMark

I got a Travelodge advent calendar this year.

All the chocolate is still in it though as you can't get the windows open.

Getting Ready

From OffTheMark

My wife really knows how to show me a good time.

She points at people and says, "Look, they've having a good time".

Adultree

From OffTheMark

Two blondes are walking in forest searching for a Christmas tree.

They walk for a long time but couldn't find a good one.

Hour by hour passes but still none of them are good enough.

It's getting dark and cold and finally one of them says "This is hopeless, let's just pick one without decorations".

Mistaken Identity

From OffTheMark

If anyone is alone and has no-one to spend Christmas with this year, please let me know.

I need to borrow some chairs.

Ninja Sloth

From OffTheMark

From OffTheMark

From OffTheMark

From OffTheMark

I once went on a trip to Japan and I didn't see a single ninja.

Impressive.

Early Risers

From OffTheMark

[in a US airport]

"You can't take nail clippers on a plane, you might hijack it"

[on a US street]

"Why do you have that machine gun?"

"Hunting"

Zombie Police

From OffTheMark

If there's ever a zombie apocalypse, I really hope it starts in Vegas.

Because, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Frankcestry

From OffTheMark

From The Argyle Sweater

My father was a masochist who liked to have an ice cold shower every morning.

So he didn't.

Tiger Trap

From OffTheMark

I phoned up the fishing helpline today.

I said "I'm really hopeless at fishing and need some tips".

The man said "Okay, can you hold the line?"

I said "No".

Yellow Lives Matter

From OffTheMark

I can't stand racism and think it should be stamped out.

I don't see that it matters whether you're black, brown, yellow or normal.

Distraction

From OffTheMark

I can't believe it's Christmas Eve already!

Or at least that's what it looks like judging by the state of my advent calendar.

Shell Problems

From OffTheMark

From The Argyle Sweater

I went to an osteopath to sort out my bad posture.

I used to think they were all charlatans, but now I stand corrected.

Horror Film 10

From OffTheMark

Horror Film 9

From OffTheMark

Horror Film 8

From OffTheMark

Horror Film 7

From OffTheMark

Horror Film 6

From OffTheMark

Horror Film 5

From OffTheMark

Horror Film 4

From OffTheMark

Horror Film 3

From OffTheMark