Point Of No Return

From Loose Parts

My girlfriend told me that she slept with 5 people before we met.

I usually wouldn’t mind, but I was only 20 minutes late!

3 x 9 = ?

From xkcd

If I had 50p for every maths exam I've failed . . .

. . . I'd have 7.30 by now.

Sharing

From Jonesy

I've cut down on my drinking, and now only have one vodka before going to bed.

Last night I went to bed eight times.

Sharing

From LunarBaboon

I love putting on warm underwear straight out of the dryer.

Plus, it's fun to look around the launderette and guess who they belong to.

Giraffe Toilet

From At Random Comics

Why can’t you hear when a pterodactyl goes to the toilet?

Because they have a silent p.

Another Broken Vase

From War and Peas

They told me I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic but so far I’ve made 2 jugs and a vase!

Wax Work

From OffTheMark

I just spent ages waxing my car.

I’m still not quite sure how it gets so hairy.

Diabetes Placebo Test

From Cornered

I was just on a diabetes information website.

It asked if I would accept cookies.

Is that a trick question?

Don’t Bite The Hound That Feeds You

From Bliss

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A labracadabradoodle.

Parent / Teacher Evening

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.

The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.

After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

Understand Your Cat's Behaviour

From Scott Metzger

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines.

Cats can.

Rise And Shine

From Buni Comic

I always keep an empty milk bottle in my fridge, just in case someone wants a black coffee.

Last Item On The Bucket List

From Mark Lynch

My Bucket list:

1. Pail

2. Ice Bucket

3. Mop Bucket

4. Climb Mt. Everest

5. Sandcastle Bucket

6. Car Washing Bucket

From The Gentleman At The Bar

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?”

The dog points to steak in a glass case.

“How many pounds?” asks the butcher.

The dog barks twice.

“Anything else?”

The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times.

So, the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out.

A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several streets away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!”

“Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”

Disappointing News

From Twonk Comics

After spending 20 minutes trying to get the wife’s bra off, I’ve given up.

I wish that I’d never put it on now.

Big Data

From smbc

It blows my mind that NASA is able to receive data from 4.67 billion miles away, but I lose the wifi signal when I walk into the kitchen.

Who's The Good Boy?

From Reality Check

I find it really embarrassing when guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their crotch.

Especially as he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.

Opportunity

From Portuguese Geese

Guess who I bumped into at the opticians.

Everyone.

Good Parent

From Little Porpoise

"I bumped into your wife yesterday."

"Oh, where?"

"You know the cafe opposite that Swingers club?"

"Yes."

"Opposite that cafe!"

May The Fourth Be With You

From Rhymes With Orange

Her name was Yoda

A showgirl she was.

 

Brian Bilston

Dawn Chorus Day

From Stephen Collins