It was early last September
As near as I can remember
While strolling down a lane in tipsy pride
Not a word did I utter
As I lay down in the gutter
And this pig came up and lay there by my side
Not a soul was I disturbing
As I lay there by the curbing
When a high toned lady passed I heard her say:
You can tell a man who boozes
By the company he chooses
And the pig got up and slowly walked away
A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.
He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes.
So, he calls emergency services and says, "I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"
"Well," the operator says, "Are they moving?"
"I don't know," he replied, "But if they were, that would explain the suitcase."
I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the Tube.
It only took us an hour to get from Barking to Tooting.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking.
How inconsiderate is that?
It was so disgusting I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich!
However, he can't, because the punch line is out of order.
A man at a party wants to grab some punch, so he walks to the punch line.
I was in a public toilet and had just sat down when a voice from the next cubicle said, "Hi. How are you today?"
Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine, thanks."
The voice said, "So, what are you up to?"
I said, "Well, I'm probably doing the same as you, I expect. Sitting here, waiting..."
From next door, "Can I come over?"
Annoyed, I said, "No, you can not, you dodgy pervert."
The voice then said, "Listen, I'm going to have to ring you back. There's some moron in the next cubicle listening to every word I say."
I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
It's pointless.
2 clowns were eating a cannibal and one says to the other "I think we're doing this joke wrong"
It's called 'Getting your guns out' because you have the right to bare arms.
Metamorphosis isn't the only book about a man who wakes one day to discover he's suddenly a beetle. There's also Ringo Starr's autobiography.
My girlfriend says I'm paranoid. Well she doesn't say it, but she thinks it.
I've got a solution to the growing problem of obesity in schoolchildren - bring back bullying. Some people think that's a bit harsh, and they could be right, you shouldn't have a go at the fat kids, they've got enough on their plates already.
I've got one of those anti-bullying wrist bands. Didn't buy it; nicked it off a wimpy kid.
Somebody told me I was the second least inquisitive person they'd ever met and I said 'That's good'.
I thought I saw Idris Elba in town earlier, but it turned out it was just Idris Arse.
Ampersand should really be written ampers&.
Why do you never hear Michelle Pfeiffer in the toilet? Because she has a silent P.
My jacket has patches on the elbows as it used to be a smoking jacket.
At any one time a bowl of nuts on a bar will have 17 types of urine on them.
That's why they're called peanuts.
Husband: "I've cleaned the bathroom."
Wife: "Aw, thanks babe."
Husband: "Remind me why we keep the toilet brush in the shower?"
Wife: "What?"
Husband: "The toilet brush. Why do we keep it in the shower?"
Wife: "What the hell are you talking about?"
Husband: "That Shredded Wheat thing."
Wife: "MY LOOFAH?"
Husband: "What? You're telling me you named the damn toilet brush?"
