I'm The One On The Right

From Chaz Hutton

Me: Doctor, I've been having trouble with my memory, I keep forgetting things

Doctor: Okay, how long has this been going on for?

Me: How long's what been going on for?

Insignificant

From Speedbump

No man is an island.

Except Barry.

Food Delivery

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up Pizza and Coke on the way back from work.

But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

A Dozen Delaneys

I bet the Queen was disappointed to watch 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest', and find it wasn't about the time she flew over a cuckoo's nest.

 

Not a lot people know this about 50 Cent, but he used to be one half of Dollar.

 

The Tower of Pisa is probably the most famous listed building.

 

I went on a course to learn how to complain properly, and it was so good, I got my money back.

 

I was named after my dad, and that's because I'm a lot younger than him.

 

I used to be a mobile hairdresser but that didn't work out, as not enough people had hairy phones.

 

As a child I worked in hurricane prevention, well I say that, I pulled the wings off butterflies.

 

I've just completed the couch to 5K app, now what am I supposed to do with 5000 couches?

 

I accidentally used a volume maximising shampoo, and now my hair's too noisy.

 

My nose was all clogged up this morning, so I gave it a really good blow, and two wooden shoes popped out.

 

I was actually Birmingham Memory Man of the Year, back in 1980-something.

 

There's two typos of people in the world, those who always notice spelling mistakes, and those who don't.

Salivary Gland Information

From Chucklebros

I'm rubbish with names.

It's not my fault, it's a condition.

There's a name for it . . . errmmm . . . 

Bad At Names

From xkcd

My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

Aide Memoire

From Cornered

My son, Luke, loves it that we named him after a Star Wars character.

My daughter Chewbacca, not so much.

Foamy

From Scott Metzger

Usain Bolt Perhaps

From xkcd