Happy

From Jonesy

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

Flying Pigs

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.

"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.

"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.

Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.

Troublesome Little Piggy

From The Argyle Sweater

It was early last September

As near as I can remember

While strolling down a lane in tipsy pride

Not a word did I utter

As I lay down in the gutter

And this pig came up and lay there by my side

 

Not a soul was I disturbing

As I lay there by the curbing

When a high toned lady passed I heard her say:

You can tell a man who boozes

By the company he chooses

And the pig got up and slowly walked away

Best Tattoo

From Bizarro

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

Dung Pile Talk

From Joseph Nowak

Our budgerigar got out of its cage a couple of months ago and had sex with our dog.

If anyone is interested, we have a basket of puppies going cheep.

Psychological House Building

From smbc

Ancient Egyptians were great builders.

But only up to a point.

The Ascent Of Pig

From Buni Comic

I walked into a place called Hotel California the other day and ordered a Carsebridge 52 Year Old whisky on the rocks.

The barman looked at me confused and said "We haven't had that spirit here since 1969".

Jigsaw

I don't want to brag, but I finished the jigsaw puzzle in a week...

And it said 2-4 years on the box.

Cure

From Pain Comics

A tourist from the city passed a farmhouse and saw a pig with a wooden leg. He went to the farmer and asked him about the pig.

The farmer said, "Oh, this is a great pig! There's no pig like him anywhere! Once, when I was ploughing a field, the tractor tipped over and pinned my leg to the ground. This pig saw me and went to the house to get my wife. He saved my life!

"Another time, my wife and I were asleep in the house when a fire started. This pig woke us up and got us out of the house before it burned down. He saved me again! He's a wonderful pig!"

"But you didn't tell us how he got the wooden leg," said the tourist.

"Oh," said the farmer, "a pig like that, you don't eat all at once!"

Making Crackling

From Bizarro

9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels are the leading cause of dry skin.

Automation and Redundancy

From Buni Comic

Early Start

From Liz Climo

The Reality Is Even Worse

From JimBenton

Chocolate Money

From Buni Comic

I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue Introduction - Leicester 10 Jun 2002

Hello, & welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. You join us for a second week in Leicester, a city of varied culture and heritage.

Many of Leicester's place names emanate from its 9th century Danish occupation, including Deangate, Wiggesdon Lane and Unsmokedrindless Street.

Nearby places of interest include Melton Mowbray - home of the pork pie. The recipe to the original pork pie is a closely guarded secret, but its known to rely on using pork from a specific breed of pig that produces a copious amount of gelatinous fatty grease. Many breeders have successfully raised such pigs, but none has ever managed to catch hold of one.

Leicester also has plenty to offer those in search of culture; the city's museum and art gallery houses what was believed to be Britain's largest dinosaur, until the advent of ITV Digital. But there's more to Leicester today than well-known dinosaurs...Let's meet the teams...

ISIHAC Intros

Pork Chops

From TheArgyleSweater

Anti, Not Counter, Anti

From Bizarro

Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy, 'but why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

The third piggy says - 'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!