Parent / Teacher Evening

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.

The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.

After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

Negotiation

From At Random Comics

A wealthy looking man walks into a bar and sees a young, attractive woman.

He approaches her and asks, "Excuse me, Miss. I was curious, would you be willing to sleep with me for £10?"

She responds, "Absolutely not, leave me alone".

So he continues, "How about for a million pounds transferred to your bank account before we start?"

Now she looks interested. "Of course, a million pounds would set me up for life".

But he doesn't stop there, "Will you sleep with me for £50?"

This time she answers, "Not at all. What kind of woman do you think I am?"

The man replies, "We have already established that. Now we're just haggling over the price."

Talking To Parents

From Cyanide & Happiness

I always loved my mum's parents, Pearl and Dean.

Of course, I knew them as Granny and Grandpapa-p'pa-p'pa-p'pa-pahpahpah.

Establishing Common Ground

From studio_stoutpoep

My kids have been on ebay all day.

Still no takers; I might have to lower the price!

Providers

From Strange Brew

I couldn't find any Oxo cubes in the supermarket today.

They must be out of stock.

Not For Parents - Or Maybe For All Parents

From JimBenton

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

 

But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another's throats.

 

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don't have any kids yourself.

 

This Be The Verse by Philip Larkin

Kid Napping

From GoatToSelf

After a long discussion and practical evaluation, my wife and I decided we don't want to have kids.

We'll be telling them tomorrow, after dinner.

Jack The Time Traveller

From Death Bulge

I invented time travel and killed my grandfather to see whether I would be born.

It's the worst way to find out that I'm adopted.

Favourite Child

From smbc

Things that I wonder about:

Why is the word short longer than the word long?

Early DNA Test

From The Argyle Sweater

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."

Husband: "What's up?"

Wife: "According to DNA test results, this is not our kid."

Husband: "We already knew that, you remember, don't you?

When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had soiled the nappy we'd just put on him. And you said:

'Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here.'"

Weaning

From Rhymes With Orange

I don't eat croissants because I've got eczema and I never quite know when I've finished.

This Be The Rhyme

From Wumo

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a lead.

The bartender says "You can't have that thing in here! Get out!"

The guy says "It's okay, this Alligator is highly trained.

Just give me a few seconds and I'll show you."

 

The bartender, intrigued, gives him the go-ahead.

The man gingerly lifts the alligator up onto a table.

By this point, everybody in the bar is gawking at this strange man and his pet.

The man grins around the room.

 

Having a new audience, he clears his throat and says "This is Allie the Amazing Alligator, and he is so well-trained that I can do this,"

He balls up his fist and gives the alligator a swift crack on the head.

"OPEN!" He says.

The alligator opens his mouth.

Before the bartender can do anything, the man unzips his fly and gingerly places his penis in the front of the alligator's gaping maw.

 

He wallops the alligator once more and says "CLOSE!" and the alligator ever-so-gently closes his terrifying jaws comfortably around his junk.

 

One last time, he raps his head and says "OPEN!"

He removes his unharmed manhood, and tucks it safely back into his pants.

The crowd applauds, and he takes a bow.

 

With all eyes still focused on him, he says "Now, if any of you guys have the balls to do that, I'll buy you a drink and give you fifty dollars."

Silence falls over the bar, and everyone looks around for someone who might be willing to take the bet.

After a few endless, uncomfortable seconds, a little dude in the back slowly raises his hand and says "I'll do it, but you have to promise not to hit me so hard."

Emotional Separation

Spare Roo-m

From TheArgyleSweater

Head Support

From Cyanide & Happiness

Chocolate Eggs

From Buni Comic

Parent Pic

From Will McPhail

Qualified Parents

From Bizarro

Bully

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

Wanna Hold My Babies?