Hey Beautiful

From James Breakwell

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice.

Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget.

Because elephants never forget.

Never Forget

From Charlie Hankin

My wife never forgets anything I say that upsets her.

Over five years ago I mentioned in passing that she was getting fat, and she still remembers it to this day.

She's like an elephant.

A Dozen Delaneys

It's called 'Getting your guns out' because you have the right to bare arms.

 

Metamorphosis isn't the only book about a man who wakes one day to discover he's suddenly a beetle. There's also Ringo Starr's autobiography.

 

My girlfriend says I'm paranoid. Well she doesn't say it, but she thinks it.

 

I've got a solution to the growing problem of obesity in schoolchildren - bring back bullying. Some people think that's a bit harsh, and they could be right, you shouldn't have a go at the fat kids, they've got enough on their plates already.

 

I've got one of those anti-bullying wrist bands. Didn't buy it; nicked it off a wimpy kid.

 

Somebody told me I was the second least inquisitive person they'd ever met and I said 'That's good'.

 

I thought I saw Idris Elba in town earlier, but it turned out it was just Idris Arse.

 

Ampersand should really be written ampers&.

 

Why do you never hear Michelle Pfeiffer in the toilet? Because she has a silent P.

 

My jacket has patches on the elbows as it used to be a smoking jacket.

Weighty Issues

From JimBenton

I've given up drinking until Christmas.

Whoops, bad punctuation.

I've given up. Drinking until Christmas.

A Taste Of Freedom

From Speedbump

From Dave Whamond

EXCLUSIVE: List of confirmed opening times for Super Saturday.

11.00 - Red Lion

12.00 - King's Head

13.00 - Royal Oak

14.00 - Rose and Crown

21.00 - NHS Nightingale

From HIGNFY

Wife: Did I get fat during quarantine?

Husband: You were never really skinny!

Time of Death: 11.32 4/7/2020

Cause of Death: Coronavirus

Call A Girl . . .

 

Sensitive Avocado

Elephants Never Forget

From Liz Climo

A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and, with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day.

One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

From Faceless

Pregnant Or Fat

World Concern

From Cyanide and Happiness

Where Are You On The Global Fat Scale?

You'll need to know your sex, age, height and weight (in metric*) and this BBC tool will do the rest:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-18770328



* you can use your imperial age if you like.