A drunk girl staggered up to me in the street earlier and said "Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?"
I said "Show me your tits and then ask me the question again".
So, she lifted up her top and bra and said "Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?"
I said "Sorry love, I don't smoke".
I recently took my naval exams. I got seven Cs.
To a pearl the world is their oyster.
The tensest crowd I've ever seen was at the funeral of the man who invented the Jack-in-the-box.
One time I took a sleeper train, but it got activated and I woke up in Moscow.
One time I was lucky enough to see Fats Domino in concert, unfortunately he fell over, and then the rest of his band fell over too.
I recently took my apiary exams. I got a B.
I can't believe today is national premature ejaculation day already. It comes quicker every year.
Needless speech marks are bad enough, but unnecessary apostrophes are grocer.
I just tried to use the Turing Test website but I couldn't get past the I'm Not a Robot screen.
I'm not saying I was a geeky at school, but I once turned a picture of a topless woman upside down to see if it said 58008.
Statisticians seem nice at first but in the end they always revert to mean.
I went for a job with EasyJet. They said where do you see yourself in 5 years time? I said 50 miles away from where I claimed I was going, and they gave me the job.
Boxing gloves don't have fingers so they should really be called boxing mittens.
They say every cigarette takes 11 minutes off your life, and it's true. When I started smoking I was 84.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking.
How inconsiderate is that?
It was so disgusting I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich!
It's called 'Getting your guns out' because you have the right to bare arms.
Metamorphosis isn't the only book about a man who wakes one day to discover he's suddenly a beetle. There's also Ringo Starr's autobiography.
My girlfriend says I'm paranoid. Well she doesn't say it, but she thinks it.
I've got a solution to the growing problem of obesity in schoolchildren - bring back bullying. Some people think that's a bit harsh, and they could be right, you shouldn't have a go at the fat kids, they've got enough on their plates already.
I've got one of those anti-bullying wrist bands. Didn't buy it; nicked it off a wimpy kid.
Somebody told me I was the second least inquisitive person they'd ever met and I said 'That's good'.
I thought I saw Idris Elba in town earlier, but it turned out it was just Idris Arse.
Ampersand should really be written ampers&.
Why do you never hear Michelle Pfeiffer in the toilet? Because she has a silent P.
My jacket has patches on the elbows as it used to be a smoking jacket.
