Regular Gym Visitor

From Twonk Comics

Husband: I heard a rumour that the postman's slept with all the women on our street, except for one.

Wife: I bet it's that snooty Cynthia Quinn in Number 12.

Flowers

From Faceless

Scientists have discovered how much sleep the average person needs.

Just 5 minutes more.

Without Pyjamas

From Mark Lynch

Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?

It's true; for example, when was the last time you ate a monkey.

Coupons

From Faceless

How come, when a couple get divorced, the bloke has to pay his ex-wife a share of his future earnings but the woman doesn't have to do the bloke's future housework?

Hush Money

From At Random Comics

My wife's gone out for a night on the town with the girls.

She's taken her wedding ring off and left it at home, presumably to avoid losing it if she has a couple too many drinks.

Very sensible. I hope she has a lovely time.

Dating Mantiss

From OffTheMark

From Mark Lynch

I'm having a garden sale this afternoon.

I've got 3 trampolines, 6 patio chairs and 4 fence panels.

New stuff arriving all the time!

Unfaithful

A guy sits down at a bar looking disconsolate.

"Is everything okay?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn't going to talk to me for a month," he replies.

The bartender says, "Well, maybe that's a good thing. A little peace and quiet?"

The guy looks up with teary eyes and says, "Yeah, but today is the last day!"

Rose Petal Path

From BerkeleyMews

Just impressed a woman with a bottle of lemonade.

I Schwepped her off her feet.

Stressful Activity

From Faceless

My girlfriend accused me of cheating on her...

She's beginning to sound just like my wife!

Award Winning Dentist

From Mother Goose & Grimm

My dentist said to me "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?"

I said "Yes, I'm ready."

He said "I'm sleeping with your wife."

OT Outfit

From Bliss

I came home early from work last night to find my wife spread out naked on our bed breathlessly awaiting my sexual advances.

Bless her, she was so horny for me she never even realised my mate Arthur was under the bed looking for a DVD he'd lent me.

Petal Path

From BerkeleyMews

I almost caught a bloke in bed with my missus last night, but he dived out the window as I burst into the bedroom.

So I chased him.

"He went that way," said my mate Dave, pointing to next door's garden.

"Cheers mate, and get some clothes on, you'll catch your death!"

Girlfriend Problems

From Faceless

Evidence

From Bizarro

It's Always The Last Place You Look

From Faceless

Caught Jester

​

From PainTrain

Hypnotherapist, Psychiatrist, Surprise

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but last weekend I broke that trust and slept with a man I met in a pub whilst out with my girlfriends. The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”
The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Oh no, not again …”

- - - -

Jim went to a psychiatrist and told him, “I can’t sleep.  Every time I get into bed I think there’s somebody under it.

“Come to me three times a week for two years and I’ll cure your fears”, the shrink says, “and I’ll charge you only £50 a visit”.
Jim said he’d think about it.
Six months later, he runs in the doctor who asks why he never came back.
“For £50 a visit?”, Jim says, “My mate Harry cured me for a few beers and a curry.”
“Impossible!” said the outraged therapist, “How could he do that?”
“Simple, he told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

- - - -

A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant.
They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken surprise.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He didn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
"Well sir", says the waiter, "What did you order?"
"We both chose the same", he replies, "the chicken surprise".
"Oh I do apologise, this is my fault" says the waiter, "I've brought you the Peeking Duck"
 
- - - -

Wanton

From Buni Comic

Playaway Giveaway

From TheArgyleSweater

Souls

From smbc