From The Kids

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

I had a happy childhood.

My dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down hills.

Those were Goodyears!

Missing Poster

From At Random Comics

Instagram Picture Advice

Stop editing your pictures.

What if you go missing?

How can we find you if you look like Angelina Jolie on Instagram and a potato in real life?

Establishing Common Ground

From studio_stoutpoep

My kids have been on ebay all day.

Still no takers; I might have to lower the price!

Providers

From Strange Brew

I couldn't find any Oxo cubes in the supermarket today.

They must be out of stock.

Virtual Spy

From Reality Check

Our WiFi went down last night and all the kids came running out of their rooms.

Blimey, they haven't half grown!

Boarding Privileges

From The Jenkins

The longest drum solo ever was 11 hours and 23 minutes and was performed by the little brat sitting behind me on flight TG811 from Heathrow to Bangkok.

Homework Disaster

From Half-Full

Dear Marje

Q. My child had decided not to eat meat. What can I replace it with?

A. A dog. Dogs love meat.

Inviting Friends Home

From Asher Perlman

A couple of my mates are having a joint party for Chinese New year and Burns night.
It's called Chinese Burns night.
I didn't want to go but they twisted my arm.

Podcast

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I've had the shits for 6 weeks now.

This morning I was talking to a neighbour who's a doctor.

He told me not to worry and that they go back to school today!

Aeroplane

From Cyanide & Happiness

I've designed an aeroplane made entirely from rubber, so if it crashed, it would bounce.

It's a boing 747

Food Delivery

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up Pizza and Coke on the way back from work.

But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

Having Kids

From Speedbump

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

Worst Consequences Of Sex

From Truth Facts

Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.

More Beautiful

From Bliss

What do you call a Frenchman with no kids who tells a Dad Joke?

Un Faux Pa.

Appropriate Driving

From JimBenton

While driving home from the store yesterday evening my wife told me she wants another baby.

I said, "That's wonderful! I don't really like this one either."

Moving On

From Reality Check

Me: "The kids haven't eaten their vegetables"

Wife: "Ok just throw them out"

[later]

Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase*: "Look I'm as surprised as you are"

Demanding

From Bird and Moon

What's the difference between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

Really Hot

From JimBenton

People keep moaning about the hot weather.

Count your blessings, at least it's not snowing.

Imagine having to shovel the snow off your drive in this heat.

Favourite Child

From smbc

Things that I wonder about:

Why is the word short longer than the word long?

Warning Sign

From Dogs on the 4th

I live near a remedial school.

There's a sign that says, 'slow – children'.

That can't be good for their self-esteem.

But look on the positive side . . . they can't read it.