Parenting Technique

From At Random Comics

My wife and I have decided that we don't want to have children.

We'll be telling them tonight over dinner.

Developing Problem

From At Random Comics

Me: I need batteries so that I can tell what time it is.

Friend: Is it for a clock?

Me: I don’t know, that’s why I need the batteries.

Giraffe Toilet

From At Random Comics

Why can’t you hear when a pterodactyl goes to the toilet?

Because they have a silent p.

Fools

From At Random Comics

Today is the perfect day to propose because if they say no, you can just pretend it was a prank.

Also, does anybody want to buy a ring?

Negotiation

From At Random Comics

A wealthy looking man walks into a bar and sees a young, attractive woman.

He approaches her and asks, "Excuse me, Miss. I was curious, would you be willing to sleep with me for £10?"

She responds, "Absolutely not, leave me alone".

So he continues, "How about for a million pounds transferred to your bank account before we start?"

Now she looks interested. "Of course, a million pounds would set me up for life".

But he doesn't stop there, "Will you sleep with me for £50?"

This time she answers, "Not at all. What kind of woman do you think I am?"

The man replies, "We have already established that. Now we're just haggling over the price."

Ransom Letter

From At Random Comics

Wife: Suppose you hit a jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands a ransom of 1 million dollars. What would you do?

Husband: That's a ridiculous scenario. What are the odds of getting two jackpots in one day!

Balloon Fate

From At Random Comics

THE INFLATABLE BOY

Long ago in an inflatable land

Where the inflatable King and Queen rule

An inflatable boy in the village of Elftown

Went to inflatable school.

 

At 9am on the inflatable dot,

Inflatable lessons begin;

Nobody knew this inflatable boy

Had got an inflatable pin.

 

He kept it concealed in his satchel;

No one there knew of their fate

Till the boy ran amok in the staffroom

And teachers began to deflate.

 

He then stuck his pin in the building;

It was sharp and met little resistance;

Just a hiss at the start, then a deafening fart

As the school flew off into the distance.

 

Inflatable boys with inflatable pins

Know inflatable parents get stroppy;

The inflatable boy turned the pin on himself

And in no time at all he was floppy.

 

He was saved by a man with a bicycle pump

And a puncture repair kit to boot;

And when he came round the next morning,

By his bed was a man in a suit.

 

O dread; the headmaster, half covered in plasters,

Alive but not up to full pressure;

Not enough p.s.i. but pure wrath in his eye,

Filled not with air but displeasure.

 

"Now then, young man," the headmaster began

In the inflatable hospital in Elftown;

"You've let your teachers down,

You've let your school down,

And now you've let yourself down."

Les Barker

Glass House

From At Random Comics

Me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia.

Therapist: You might be getting carried away.

Me: *firing into the ceiling* Not without a fight.

Missing Poster

From At Random Comics

Instagram Picture Advice

Stop editing your pictures.

What if you go missing?

How can we find you if you look like Angelina Jolie on Instagram and a potato in real life?

Resurrection

From At Random Comics

8pm - I get a text from my girlfriend: Me or football?

11pm - I text my girlfriend: You of course.

Safety First

From At Random Comics

Londoners can be really cruel.

I was in a butcher's shop earlier when a woman asked for a Panda Sausage!

Hush Money

From At Random Comics

My wife's gone out for a night on the town with the girls.

She's taken her wedding ring off and left it at home, presumably to avoid losing it if she has a couple too many drinks.

Very sensible. I hope she has a lovely time.