This Guy

From Twonk Comics

Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don't have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but not tipfinger!

Out Of Nowhere

 

From See Mike Draw

What do Captain Kirk and Mister Spock do to get their luggage up to their hotel room?

Tell a porter.

Carrot Juice

From Buni Comic

As a man is walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car.

After rushing to the hospital, the man paces the waiting room until the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery.

"Doctor, is my carrot alive, is it ok?"

The doctor sighs. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive".

The man breathes a sigh of relief. "What's the bad news doctor?"

The doctor looks him in the eyes and says, "Well I'm sorry but it's going be a vegetable for the rest of its life."

Disaster

From Bliss

I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles.

My next bowel movement could spell disaster.

Daddy's Home

From Bizarro

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time windows crashed.

Oh, wait . . . he does!

11 Delaneys

A palindromedary camel has the same number of humps going backwards or forwards.

More Americans are killed in shootings than by fire and that's because if you shout "fire" in America someone will shoot you.

 

I love looking at things through a magnifying glass to see what they're made of, for example not many people know this but ants are actually made of fire.  

 

I got bit by a donkey once.

It was on holiday in Spain.

Who even knew donkeys had holidays?

 

Password tip for married men.

Use something you did wrong as that way your wife will never let you forget it.

 

My robot friend always wondered why his family ran on DC current but he ran on AC, until one day he found out he was adapted.

 

My Grandad was a famous spy in World War Two, which is how he got caught.

 

I saw a sign in Specsavers saying children should not be left without supervision. If they had that they wouldn't be in Specsavers.

 

One time I burped in front of the Queen which is a crime but it's OK as she gave me a pardon.

 

I'm not saying I'm accident prone but I just got a paper cut from a risk assessment form.

 

My first wife left me because of my obsession with clickbait and you won't believe what happened next.

Disastrous Accident

From OffTheMark

A man rushes to the doctor's and cries out, "Doctor, you've got to help me; I feel like I'm shrinking".

"Calm down", replies the doctor. "You'll just have to learn to be a little patient".

How To Deal With Embarrassing Medical Problems

From JimBenton

My wife was concerned that my Sinéad O'Connor obsession was getting out of hand.

So, I went to the doctor.

Guess what he told me.

Guess what he told me.

My Kind Of Photography

From Bird and Moon

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him.

To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

Perfect Tomato

From Loading Artist

Bob the tomato and Larry the cucumber bounce into a bar.

"Larry and I have been wanting to become human for a while now," Bob says to the bartender. "But none of the other bars in town have drinks that will turn us into humans. Do you have such a drink?"

"I think I do," says the bartender. "Let me just get it for you."

"This is going to be great, Bob!" gushes Larry.

The bartender serves drinks to the two of them, and sure enough, they both turn human!

"Look at me, Bob!" exclaims Larry the ex-cucumber. "I'm human!"

"That's very nice, Larry," says Bob the ex-tomato, "but do be careful!"

Larry happily prances out the door. He is so excited about being human, he forgets to look both ways before crossing the street, and he is hit by a car and lying in the gutter he turns back into a cucumber.

Bob sees it happening and rushes outside to try to save his friend, but he too forgets to look both ways, is hit by a car, and ends up lying next to Larry as he turns back into a tomato.

The bartender rushes outside and calls an ambulance.

"Are they still alive?" asks the dispatcher.

"They are," says the bartender, "but I'm worried that they will be vegetables for the rest of their lives."

Oops

From Wumo

I hate telling people I'm a taxidermist.

When they ask what I do every day, I say: "Y'know. Stuff."

Death By Laser

From BogartCreek

Sad news. The guy who owns our local cinemaplex has died.

His funeral will be on Friday at 12.30, 4.15 and 8.40.

Please note 8.40 is in 3D.

Dashboard

From Dogs on the 4th

I let a pasta chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty.

Hook

From Faceless

My local golf shop is selling all its stock to stay in business. The putters, drivers and irons are all gone, but they’re not out of the woods yet.

The Daily Grind

From The Bent Pinky by Scott Metzger

I accidentally just knocked a lady over in Domino's Pizza. Well, I say one…

Centre For The Study Of Viral Pathology

Roses are red

April is grey

The next time you leave your house

It will be May*

Thirty days hath September

April, June and November

All the rest have thirty one

Except March, which had 8000

Tracy: "The quarantine is over"

Me: Pauses Netflix, "Quarantine?"

*or later?

Selfie Mutiliation

From JimBenton

Rubberneckers

From Dogs on the 4th

Favouring The Faithful

From smbc

Rebuild Required

From Buni Comic