A Child Fell Into A Well

From Cyanide & Happiness

A strangler is just a fiend you haven't met yet.

Quick Response

From Safely Endangered

I hate making spelling mistakes.

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

Getting The Perfect Shot

From Bliss

I just failed my abseiling exam.

I let myself down badly there.

Occupational Hazard

From smbc

Once there was a fire at a voodoo doll factory and 10,000 people died.

Apple Intern

From Dustinteractive

I've just dropped my mobile phone.

Luckily it was in flight mode so it landed safely.

Best Before

From Speedbump

The best before date printed on food always ruins the surprise,

There should be a spoiler alert.

Number Scrabble

From The Jenkins

Throwing Scrabble tiles around the room is all fun and games until somebody loses an i.

Familiar

From Mark Lynch

I think elephants are over protected.

But that's easy for me to say from my ivory tower.

Contingency Plans

From Andertoons

I spent the whole morning building a time machine

That's 3 hours of my life I'm never going to get back

This Guy

From Twonk Comics

Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don't have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but not tipfinger!

Lying

From Work Chronicles

Quick question:

Is it, "for fuck sake", or "for fuck's sake"?

It's for a work email so it has to sound professional.

Daily Ritual

From Rhymes With Orange

Did you hear about the massive LEGO sale this weekend?

People were lining up for blocks.

Self Cleaning Oven

From Yaffle by Jeffrey Caulfield and Brian Ponshock

As I was sitting drinking my morning cup of tea in my slippers, I thought to myself . . .

. . . I really must wash some cups!

Imaginary Friends

From JimBenton

Did you know . . .

. . . that you can fly from any airport in the country without posting it on Facebook?

Protection Racket

From Will McPhail

I Saw a Huge Seagull Today

It was big enough to be a D Gull.

But not quite big enough to be an Eagle.

Caught In The Lights

From Bizarro

I saw an Irish dancing show today called 'Streamdance'.

It's not quite as good as 'Riverdance', but then it is only a tributary act.

Choosing Underwear

From C Section Comics

"Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing", I said to my wife.

"Wear your own then", she replied.

Liked

From Liniers Cartoon

The man that invented the Yo-Yo died yesterday.

He was lowered into his grave 15 times!

Happy

From Jonesy

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

Hey Beautiful

From James Breakwell

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice.

Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget.

Because elephants never forget.