Resurrection

From At Random Comics

8pm - I get a text from my girlfriend: Me or football?

11pm - I text my girlfriend: You of course.

Pickup

From Speedbump

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16year olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

"You ok?" she says."

Yes." he says."

You can go and play with the other kids you know" she says.

"It's best I stay here." he says.

"Why's that sweetie?" says the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says, "Because I'm the Goalie!"

League Cup Final : Chelsea 0 v 1 Liverpool

 

Female Referee

Breaking News

Rebecca Welch became the first woman to referee a match in the Premier League this afternoon when she officiated during the Fulham v Burnley match.

She booked one player in the first half for abusive language, another in the second half for a late challenge and several throughout the game for fouls that they committed years ago and had completely forgotten about.

Santa Delivers

From Cyanide & Happiness

My wife has begun hinting that she wants something black and lacy for Christmas.

So, I've bought her a pair of football boots.

Fixtures

I'd love nothing more than to go outside

and commune with Mother Nature.

But what can I do? It's out of my hands:

Czech Republic are playing Croatia.

 

Yes, I know that the work is piling up.

Bring it on! Couldn't be happier!

Just ten minutes more (plus time added on)

of Poland versus Slovakia.

 

Sorry that I'll miss Gran's party today.

I do hope you'll save me some cake.

It's just the Swiss are taking on Turkey

and there's an awful lot at stake.

 

Sometimes I hear life as it goes on outside

and I couldn't feel any lonelier.

But then I remember, it's the big game today:

Ukraine - North Macedonia.

 

Brian Bilston

Monty Hall

From The Jenkins

Transfer Deadline Day News

Man City say they are looking to sign young Nigerian striker Untidi.

According to their scouts he's the new Messi.

COVID-19

I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"

She replied to me, "Ammonia Cleaner"

I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."

With the football season suspension due to the corona virus, I've decided to talk to my wife.

She has told me she has been made redundant . . . from Woolworths.

Latest purchase limits placed on shops, in light of the Coronavirus due to panic buying;

ASDA: 2 hand sanitisers and a 4 pack of toilet rolls.

TESCO: 1 hand sanitiser, 500g of rice and 4 pack of toilet rolls.

WAITROSE: 1 lobster, 6 quails' eggs and 100g of Foie Gras.

ALDI: 1 MIG welder, 1 pink sports bra, 2 trumpets and a wetsuit.

Because of panic buying I've run out of toilet paper, so I'm now using lettuce leaves.... I've a feeling today is just gonna be the tip of the iceberg.

I keep singing "Come Fly With Me", "Moon River and "New York, New York".

I've got Croonervirus.

Last night I thought I had a case of Corona, but there were only 5 bottles left in the box.

When you start to work from home but miss the daily commute:

Lionesses

European Champions League Final 2019 : Tottenham 0 - 2 Liverpool

World Cup

My all time Croatia XI:

Modrić

Sandwić

Sausić

Feverpić

Quiddić

Sonofabić

Wickedwić

Glić

Glić

Glić

Ostrić.

With a series of shock results, Russia got further than anyone imagined. All the way to Salisbury in fact.

The Russians fans have enjoyed having a few days of being able to stand in a crowd and wave flags without getting arrested.

My mate thinks that all life on earth began in Dubrovnik. He's a Croatianist.

Weekend Break

A Manchester United fan goes into a travel agents and says, "I'm looking for a weekend away in England, but I don't know where to go?" The travel agent says, "You can't beat Bournemouth at this time of year."

Bad News

From Bizarro

Channel Surfing

A man watching a football game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.
 
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.
 
"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said.
 
"You already know how to play football!"

The Premier League Has Awarded The Goal Line Technology contract To Hawkeye

The Premier League has awarded the goal-line technology contract to Hawkeye; though the replay shows it should clearly have gone to their competitor.

Dramatic Irony

Football Quotes

The new Premiership season starts tomorrow.  To whet your appetite, here are a selection of football quotes from seasons gone by:

I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. (George Best)
I felt a lump in my throat when the ball went in. (Terry Venables)
Our back four was at sixes and sevens. (Ron Atkinson)
For Tony Adams to admit he was an alcoholic took a lot of bottle. (Ian Wright)
I never comment on referees, and I am not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat. (Ron Atkinson)
Brazil - they're so good it's like they are running around the pitch playing with themselves. (John Motson)
If history is going to repeat itself I think we can expect the same thing again. (Terry Venables)
I've had a good rest, I've had holidays, got to know the wife again, but I've started itching recently. (Joe Royle)
I never make predictions, and I never will. (Paul Gascoigne)
And Ritchie has now scored 11 goals, exactly double the number he scored last season. (Alan Parry)
He hasn't been the normal Paul Scholes today, and he's not the only one. (Alvin Martin)
It seems that they're playing with one leg tied together. (Kenny Sansom)
We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought. (Bobby Robson)
The Belgians will play like their fellow Scandinavians, Denmark and Sweden. (Andy Townsend)
Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales. (Ron Greenwood)
He's got a knock on his shin there, just above the knee. (Frank Stapleton)
They didn't change positions; they just moved the players around. (Terry Venables)
Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match. (Ian Wright)
It's 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday. (Radio 5 Live commentator)
I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock. (Barry Venison)
A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm - and it nearly came off. (Kevin Keegan)
Barnsley have started off the way they mean to begin. (Chris Kamara)
He's carrying his left leg, which, to be honest, is his only leg. (Steve Coppell)
England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second-to-none. (Kevin Keegan)
Tony Banks described the English fans arrested in Marseilles as 'brain dead idiots'. That goes for me as well. (Secretary of the Football Supporters Association)
I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half-time. (Kevin Keegan)
Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field. (Radio commentator)
Michael Owen - he's got the legs of a salmon. (Sky TV commentator)
That was only a yard away from being an inch-perfect pass. (Murdo MacLeod)
Every single seat is absolutely packed. (Ron Jones)
The tide is very much in our court now. (Kevin Keegan)
You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw. (Kevin Keegan)
Germany are a very difficult team to play - they had eleven internationals out there today. (Steve Lomas)
Well, Harry, fifth place last year, how can you better that? (Fergus Sweeney)
Henning Berg, one of the players classified as a foreigner, which obviously as a Norwegian is something he's used to. (Radio commentator)
It's nice for us to have a fresh face in the camp to bounce things off. (Lawrie Sanchez)
They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Heighway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different. (Kevin Keegan)
The game is balanced in Arsenal's favour. (John Motson)
....and so they have not been able to improve their 100% record. (Radio Commentator)
Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play. (Peter Lorenzo)
I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country. (Ian Rush on his spell at Juventus)
Argentina are the second best team in the world and there is no higher praise than that. (Kevin Keegan)
He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces. (Ron Atkinson)
I want to win the Nobel Peace Prize - and I'm going to fight as hard as I can to make it happen. (Ronaldo)
Ireland will give 99% - everything they’ve got. (Mark Lawrenson)
I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona. (Kevin Keegan)
Ireland have won a corner, and it’s in a very good position. (RTE commentator)
Nicolas Anelka left Arsenal for £23million and they built a training ground on him. (Kevin Keegan)
We’ll have more football later. Meanwhile, here are the highlights from the Scottish Cup final. (Gary Newbon)
We can't replace Gary Speed - where do you get an experienced player like him with a left foot and a head? (Bobby Robson)
In terms of the Richter scale this defeat was a force 8 gale. (John Lyall)
I don’t blame individuals, I blame myself. (Joe Royle)
If someone in the crowd spits at you, you have just got to swallow it. (Gary Lineker)
As a striker, you are either in a purple patch or struggling. At the moment, I’m somewhere in between. (Bob Taylor)
Ogrizovic was in two minds as to whether to go or stay and in the end he did neither. (Radio commentator)
They’ve picked their heads up off the ground, and they now have a lot to carry on their shoulders. (Ron Atkinson)
We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalized. (Ian McNail)
If you cut Jamie Carragher open, he’ll bleed red. (Clive Tyldesley)
Lampard’s not the first player to run to the crowd with lips over his mouth. (Adrian Chiles)
Arsenal are streets ahead of everyone in this league and Manchester United are up there with them. (Craig Bellamy)
Football’s not like an electric light – you can’t just flick the button and change from slow to quick. (John Greig)
It’s understandable that people are keeping one eye on the pot and another up the chimney. (Kevin Keegan)
Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve. (John Greig)
What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio. (Gerry Francis)
He's signalling to the bench with his groin. (Mark Bright)
I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left-winger in the Premiership, but there are none better. (Ron Atkinson)
Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals. (Peter Withe during a radio commentary)
No regrets, none at all. My only regret is that we went out on penalties. That’s my only regret but no, no regrets. (Mick McCarthy)
There are two great teams on Merseyside; Liverpool and Liverpool Reserves. (Bill Shankly)