Caught In The Lights

From Bizarro

I saw an Irish dancing show today called 'Streamdance'.

It's not quite as good as 'Riverdance', but then it is only a tributary act.

Early Version Of Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock . . .

From Bizarro

The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?"

I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.

I think he wants a rematch because he's been chasing me ever since.

Useful Driving Test Addition

From Bizarro

On my first day as a delivery driver for Mr Kipling I had to do an emergency stop.

Fortunately the lorry had exceedingly good brakes!"

Shred Of Evidence

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I took place in a police identity parade today.

The ones in uniform were the easiest to spot.

Best Tattoo

From Bizarro

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

Volunteer?

From Bizarro

I got a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar this year.

Behind every door is someone telling you to go away and leave them alone.

There Was An Old Lady

From Bizarro

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.

Beware Bugs Bearing Gifts

From Bizarro

I accidentally sent a picture of me naked to everyone in my address book today.

Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

Local Map

From Andertoons

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I've just been to my local hospital and, whilst I was parking, I saw a sign saying "Thieves Operate Here".

Surely it would be safer to leave it to the Surgeons? 

Old Tattoos

 From Bizarro

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

Daddy's Home

From Bizarro

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time windows crashed.

Oh, wait . . . he does!

Field Trip

From Bizarro

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you're alive?

I just did; and I've been told I'll never be able to fly with Jet2 again!

Sharp Sales Practice

From Bizarro

I asked a German student if he knew the square root of 81.

He said no.

Hiding and Finding

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

Can someone tell me who played Forrest Gump?

T.hanks.

Supercop

From Bizarro

I was in Tesco and saw a bloke from Crimewatch who is wanted for several rapes.

I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious.

But when the police arrived, they arrested me instead of him...

Apparently, they use actors on the show!

Podcast

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I've had the shits for 6 weeks now.

This morning I was talking to a neighbour who's a doctor.

He told me not to worry and that they go back to school today!

Food Delivery

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up Pizza and Coke on the way back from work.

But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

Manboy

From Bizarro

I don't drink cow's milk, because I'm not a baby cow.

However, I do drink almond milk, because I'm a little nutty!

Restless Sleeper

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

Insomnia is awful.

But on the plus side...

...only three more sleeps till Christmas.

Cave Art

From Bizarro

From Rhymes With Orange

From 9to5

From Strange Brew

From Loose Parts

Wanted:

Someone to feed me doritos so that my fingers don't get all orange.

No weirdos.