Memory Loss Mattress

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

"What do we want!?"

"A cure for amnesia!"

"What did we want?"

Caring Community

From Bizarro

Today at the park

Saw a six foot tall pigeon

Now that's a high coo!

Good To Go

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I had a dream where I was swimming in orange soda.

I guess it was a Fanta Sea.

Nightime Fairy

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I had to get my pet lizard some Valium as he has been a bit stressed out.

Now he's a calmer, calmer, calmer chameleon!

Skill

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I used to work in a warehouse and one day I had a very heavy box to pick up.

I wasn't sure what the best way to do it was so I sent a message to my boss asking him and he texted straight back.

Flying High

From Bizarro

How do you turn a goose into a musician?

You boil it until it's Bill Withers.

The Great Thing About Cats

From Bizarro

I've got a lighter with a pink flame at home.

I use it to light camp fires.

MooBeard

From Bizarro

Pirate 1: "the treasures be buried"

Pirate 2:" *are"

Familiar Perfume

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I met someone who smelt just like me.

He could have been my cologne.

Caught In The Lights

From Bizarro

I saw an Irish dancing show today called 'Streamdance'.

It's not quite as good as 'Riverdance', but then it is only a tributary act.

Early Version Of Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock . . .

From Bizarro

The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?"

I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.

I think he wants a rematch because he's been chasing me ever since.

Useful Driving Test Addition

From Bizarro

On my first day as a delivery driver for Mr Kipling I had to do an emergency stop.

Fortunately the lorry had exceedingly good brakes!"

Shred Of Evidence

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I took place in a police identity parade today.

The ones in uniform were the easiest to spot.

Best Tattoo

From Bizarro

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

Volunteer?

From Bizarro

I got a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar this year.

Behind every door is someone telling you to go away and leave them alone.

There Was An Old Lady

From Bizarro

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.

Beware Bugs Bearing Gifts

From Bizarro

I accidentally sent a picture of me naked to everyone in my address book today.

Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

Local Map

From Andertoons

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I've just been to my local hospital and, whilst I was parking, I saw a sign saying "Thieves Operate Here".

Surely it would be safer to leave it to the Surgeons? 

Old Tattoos

 From Bizarro

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

Daddy's Home

From Bizarro

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time windows crashed.

Oh, wait . . . he does!