The Real Laws Of Nature

Forget Newton and Galileo.  Here are the real laws of nature:

1. Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose begins to itch and you'll need to pee.

2. Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, rolls to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone and someone always answers.

5. Supermarket Law
As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6. Variation Law
If you switch queues (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7. Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your spouse will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

Murphy's Other 15 Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.