Bad Neighbours

From Loose Parts

I helped my neighbour this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you."

I couldn't believe it.

You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!

11 Delaneys

A palindromedary camel has the same number of humps going backwards or forwards.

More Americans are killed in shootings than by fire and that's because if you shout "fire" in America someone will shoot you.

 

I love looking at things through a magnifying glass to see what they're made of, for example not many people know this but ants are actually made of fire.  

 

I got bit by a donkey once.

It was on holiday in Spain.

Who even knew donkeys had holidays?

 

Password tip for married men.

Use something you did wrong as that way your wife will never let you forget it.

 

My robot friend always wondered why his family ran on DC current but he ran on AC, until one day he found out he was adapted.

 

My Grandad was a famous spy in World War Two, which is how he got caught.

 

I saw a sign in Specsavers saying children should not be left without supervision. If they had that they wouldn't be in Specsavers.

 

One time I burped in front of the Queen which is a crime but it's OK as she gave me a pardon.

 

I'm not saying I'm accident prone but I just got a paper cut from a risk assessment form.

 

My first wife left me because of my obsession with clickbait and you won't believe what happened next.

Rebel Insects

From OffTheMark

For Sale

George Foreman grill set and Mohammad Ali DVDs.

Both boxed.

Leafing The Colony

From Liniers Cartoon

I've just started a new diet; the Adam Ant diet.

Don't chew ever . . . don't chew ever.

Lucky Day

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

Why are anteaters always healthy?

Because they're full of antibodies.

Resupplying

 

From Close to Home by John McPherson

Boris: Work from home.

Me: Mum, Dad, would you like to buy some cocaine?    

Trap

Beam Me Up

From Scribbly G

Insect Identification

From Wrong Hands

From Wrong Hands

Ant Gym

From Teddy Tietz
​

Workers

From LunarBaboon