Familiar

From Mark Lynch

I think elephants are over protected.

But that's easy for me to say from my ivory tower.

Water Safety

From Mark Lynch

Just a warning, in case you're thinking of buying a watch from Amazon.

I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim wearing it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

Croc Infested Waters

From Mark Lynch

I think my doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear.

I overheard him telling his colleague that I had serious healthy shoes!

Feeling Guilty

From Mark Lynch

My ex-girlfriend used to head butt me in the face whenever she had an orgasm.

I didn't mind too much until I found out that she was faking them.

Marriage Counselling

From Mark Lynch

A man and his wife were out on the golf course.

They've just played the first hole and are walking to the second tee when his wife is hit on the head by a stray golf ball and is knocked unconscious.

The husband panics and rushes into the clubhouse shouting, "Is there a doctor in the house? My wife's been knocked unconscious by a golf ball."

A chap at the bar pipes up, "I'm a doctor. Where has she been hit?"

The husband says, "In between the first and second holes."

"Blimey," says the doctor, "There won't be much room for a plaster."

Smart Toaster

From Mark Lynch

I bought myself a new smart TV.

Now I can't watch Celebrity Big Brother.

It will only let me watch The Open University and Brian Cox documentaries.

No Means No

From Mark Lynch

My wife says she loves to be wooed so now whenever we have date night I have to dress up as a ghost.

Covering All Bases

From Mark Lynch

They say that time is a great healer.

Which would explain why doctor's surgeries make you wait 3 weeks for an appointment!

Party Pooper

From Mark Lynch

I've decided to call everyone Dave.

Just to see if it'll trigger a reaction.

Without Pyjamas

From Mark Lynch

Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?

It's true; for example, when was the last time you ate a monkey.

Where To Go For Sheep Videos

From Mark Lynch

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, to look it over.

He grabbed a bucket so that he could bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Pride Month

From Mark Lynch

What do you call a group of people waiting to get into a Pride festival?

An LGBT queue.

Diet Advice

From Mark Lynch

They say that every piece of chocolate that you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes.

I've done the maths.

Apparently, I died in 1977.

Basic Grammar Lesson

From Mark Lynch

If, like me, you've ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember . . .

. . . my door is always open.

Dating Mantiss

From OffTheMark

From Mark Lynch

I'm having a garden sale this afternoon.

I've got 3 trampolines, 6 patio chairs and 4 fence panels.

New stuff arriving all the time!

Cause For Concern?

From Mark Lynch    

My uncle got daffodil bulbs mixed up with his onions.

He made a Spanish omelette with them and had to be rushed to hospital.

They reckon he'll be out in the Spring.

Mating Season

From Mark Lynch

People used to think that Liverpool fans smell; but it's just that they never wore cologne.

Saftey Feature

From Mark Lynch

Why are airbags so expensive?

Because of inflation.

Fortune Cookie

From Mark Lynch

I spent five hundred quid on a limo rental and when I got there, I discovered that it didn't have a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

Coitus Interruptus

From Mark Lynch

I've found myself caught in a love triangle.

I like this girl, she likes nobody, and nobody likes me.