Another Broken Vase

From War and Peas

They told me I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic but so far I’ve made 2 jugs and a vase!

Brief Outing

From OffTheMark

I got upset when I couldn't find any scissors to cut a coupon out of a newspaper.

I was reduced to tears!

Nesting Season

From Leigh Rubin

Where do you look if you want to find a peacock?

Between the peanuts.

He Could Have Ordered String

From OffTheMark

I ordered a mail-order bride.

Unfortunately, I was out when she was delivered.

So, now she's married to my neighbour.

Cat Party

From OffTheMark

My biggest talent is that, I can always tell what's in a wrapped box.

It's a gift.

Cat Funeral

From JimBenton

Billy tells his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.

"How did you know it was dead?" asks his teacher.

"Because I pissed in its ear & it didn't move" says Billy.

"You did what!?" screams the teacher.

"You know" explains Billy, "I leant over and went Pssst & it didn't move."

Another Vase, Another Victory

From War and Peas

I ran over an old lady's cat at the weekend.

I asked her, "Can I replace it?"

She replied, "I don't know, how good are you at catching mice?"

Clear Out

From Liz Climo

An elderly woman is going through some old boxes of clothes.

She picks out one item, turns to her husband of forty years and says "Look dear, I wore this when we first started dating and it still fits."

The husband replies "Yes honey, you've always liked that scarf."

Chocolate Box

From Reality Check

My Valentine's Day Plans

1. Breakfast in bed

2. Chocolates

3. Watch a romantic film

4. Dinner for two

5. Regret eating two dinners

Moving House

From Speedbump

I'm currently moving house.

Has anyone got some spare cardboard boxes?

My ex won't let me live with her.

Tiger Trap

From OffTheMark

I phoned up the fishing helpline today.

I said "I'm really hopeless at fishing and need some tips".

The man said "Okay, can you hold the line?"

I said "No".

Cat Lady

From Reality Check

I'm waiting for some Elvis memorabilia to be delivered, but it's been held up in the depot (in the depoooooot).

Doggy Bag?

From Scott Metzger

I arrived early at the restaurant last night.

The manager said, "Do you mind waiting for a bit?"

I said "Not at all".

He said "Great, take these drinks to table 7″

Valentines Gift

From Scott Metzger

Cat Shopping

From JimBenton

Design Flaw

From LunarBaboon

The Best Toy

From LunarBaboon