Seems Wrong

From Spudtoons

I bought a vegan friend a cookbook as a present.

Unfortunately, he said that he couldn't accept it as it was leather bound and was therefore too heavy for him to lift.

Snowball Gets Even

From OffTheMark

Pets only like us because they have Stockholm Syndrome.

Boys Get Flowers Too

From The Hec Comics

My wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.

I said, "That's probably why!"

Dangerous Game Hunter

From The Argyle Sweater

I bought a second-hand guitar from Adam Ant.

He quoted he fifty quid, but said for an extra tenner he’d throw in a stand and deliver.

Parenting Technique

From At Random Comics

My wife and I have decided that we don't want to have children.

We'll be telling them tonight over dinner.

Magic Carpet Warehouse

From Andertoons

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field.

Face/On

From Faceless

It’s just dawned on me.

People are prisoners of their phones.

That’s why they’re called Cell Phones.

The Son Of Man - Origin Story

From Dan Misdea

I gave my friend an apple, and she told me she preferred pears . . .

. . . so, I gave her another apple!

Directions

From Speedbump

People are always sceptical when I say I climbed Mount Everest.

But it's true, I made it up!

Burglar

From Jonesy

Who did the dinosaur call when he was being robbed?

The triceracops.

Greg - Party Animal

From Liz Climo

My mate suggested that we go to a fancy dress party as a pheasant and a grouse.

Well, I'm game if he is.

Height Chart

Did you hear about the girl who fell in love with a baker?

It didn’t work out; she wasn’t what he kneaded.

Opportunity

From Twonk Comics

A Scotsman, a Welshman and an Irishman enter a bar.

The bartender says, “This doesn’t seem right, where’s the Englishman?”

The Scotsman replies, “He couldn’t make it, he’s still at the World Cup.”

Emotional Rescue

From Buni Comic

I just had an Adam Ant ice cream.

Nothing special, just standard vanilla.

GMail Auto Response

From smbc

I’ve just had a letter delivered confirming that I have secured a job with the Royal Mail.

I start last Monday.

Old Jokes

  

    

   

There's a rumour going round that Spandau Ballet are going to re-release one of their old singles.

I hope it's not True.

The View

From Tyson Cole

Head & Shoulders should make a body wash called Knees & Toes.

Hell Will Freeze Over Before She's Satisfied

From Wumo

Argentina is surprisingly cold.

In fact, it's bordering on Chile!

Get Together

From Mark Lynch

My wife texted me this morning, she said, “Your great”.

I texted her back, “No, you’re great”.

She’s been happy all day since.

I think I should correct her grammar more often.

Breakfast TV

From Twonk Comics

One red card, two penalties, five goals, eleven minutes of extra time and a blood pressure too high to count.

Probably beats the usual two Weetabix and a shower before the working week starts.

Taking Phone Calls At Work

From Bliss

"Hello, is that the cricket club?"

"Yes."

"Could I speak to Mike please?"

"I'm sorry, he's in at the moment. I'll get him to call you back when he's out!"

Unintended Consequences

From Liniers Cartoon

Jesus is standing in for St. Peter at the gates to Heaven when an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" asks Jesus.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son, his birth was miraculous; still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day."

Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?"

The man looks back and replies; "Pinocchio?"

Reserved

From Leigh Rubin

Q. What's your favourite month?

A. July.

Q. Why July?

Q. I didn't.