Dolly Parton Quotes:
"It costs a lot of money to look this cheap."
"I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb . . . and I also know that I’m not blonde."
I've finally saved up enough for solar panels.
What's holding me back is that I can't afford a house.
My health insurance company refused to pay my bill because I believe in reincarnation.
They said I had a pre-existing condition.
This Rainforest Café is so realistic.
I was just sitting here enjoying my chicken tenders when a bulldozer destroyed 30% of the building.
I’m sad to report my nan’s clothes horse has broken beyond repair after 60 years.
It's the end of an airer!
And for anyone who missed it, let Roger McGough guide you toward other eclipses:
The hamburger flipped across the face of the bun
The frisbee winning the race against its own shadow
The cricket ball dropping for six in front of the church clock
On a golden plate, a host of communion wafers
The brown contact lens sliding across the blue iris
The palming of small change
Everyday eclipses.
Out of the frying pan, the tossed pancake orbits the Chinese lampshade
The water bucket echoing into the well
The black, snookering the cue ball against the green baize
The winning putt on the eighteenth
The tiddlywink twinking toward the tiddlycup
Everyday eclipses.
Neck and neck in the hot-air balloon race
Holding up her sign, the lollipop lady blots out the Belisha beacon
The foaming tankard thumped onto the beermat
The plug into the plughole
In the fruit bowl, the orange rolls in front of the peach
Every day eclipses another day.
Goodbye bald patch, Hello yarmulke
A sombrero tossed into the bullring
Leading the parade, the big bass drum, we hear cymbals but cannot see them
One eclipse eclipses another eclipse.
To the cold white face, the oxygen mask
But too late
One death eclipses another death.
The baby’s head, the mother’s breast
The open O of the mouth seeking the warm O of the nipple
One birth eclipses another birth
Everyday eclipses.
Roger McGough
I run 15 mins every day.
If I miss a day I run 15 mins more the next day.
This has truly been a game changer for me.
Tomorrow I’m running for 3.5 months!
The first house I rented had a ceiling that was only 4 feet above the floor.
I couldn’t stand living there.
Fortune Teller Buying Clothes
Shop Assistant: How about this one?
Fortune Teller: That shirt is too small
Shop Assistant: You didn't even try it on
Fortune Teller: I'm a medium
My grandma quietly changed her hair colour while taking a nap.
She dyed peacefully in her sleep.
My sex change operation from male to female went really well.
It was so successful, I'm still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.
I bought a vegan friend a cookbook as a present.
Unfortunately, he said that he couldn't accept it as it was leather bound and was therefore too heavy for him to lift.
My wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.
I said, "That's probably why!"
I bought a second-hand guitar from Adam Ant.
He quoted he fifty quid, but said for an extra tenner he’d throw in a stand and deliver.
My wife and I have decided that we don't want to have children.
We'll be telling them tonight over dinner.
It’s just dawned on me.
People are prisoners of their phones.
That’s why they’re called Cell Phones.
I gave my friend an apple, and she told me she preferred pears . . .
. . . so, I gave her another apple!
People are always sceptical when I say I climbed Mount Everest.
But it's true, I made it up!
My mate suggested that we go to a fancy dress party as a pheasant and a grouse.
Well, I'm game if he is.
Did you hear about the girl who fell in love with a baker?
The bartender says, “This doesn’t seem right, where’s the Englishman?”
The Scotsman replies, “He couldn’t make it, he’s still at the World Cup.”
I’ve just had a letter delivered confirming that I have secured a job with the Royal Mail.
I start last Monday.
There's a rumour going round that Spandau Ballet are going to re-release one of their old singles.
I hope it's not True.
My wife texted me this morning, she said, “Your great”.
I texted her back, “No, you’re great”.
She’s been happy all day since.
I think I should correct her grammar more often.
One red card, two penalties, five goals, eleven minutes of extra time and a blood pressure too high to count.
Probably beats the usual two Weetabix and a shower before the working week starts.
"Hello, is that the cricket club?"
"Yes."
"Could I speak to Mike please?"
"I'm sorry, he's in at the moment. I'll get him to call you back when he's out!"
Jesus is standing in for St. Peter at the gates to Heaven when an old man approaches.
"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" asks Jesus.
"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son, his birth was miraculous; still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day."
Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?"
The man looks back and replies; "Pinocchio?"
I failed my entrance exam to get into The Magic Circle.
It wasn’t fair, they were all trick questions!
Me: I need batteries so that I can tell what time it is.
Friend: Is it for a clock?
Me: I don’t know, that’s why I need the batteries.
