Outside The Cocktail Bar

From Will McPhail

I love the look on people's faces, standing at the bus stop soaked in the rain as I drive past . . .

. . . it's partly why I became a bus driver.

Useful Driving Test Addition

From Bizarro

On my first day as a delivery driver for Mr Kipling I had to do an emergency stop.

Fortunately the lorry had exceedingly good brakes!"

Dream Job

From Dinos and Comics

I started my dream job today.

I get my own £200,000 company car and a corner window with a view of the city.

Being a bus driver is a dream come true.

Wild Things

From Speedbump

I gave my seat to an old lady on the bus.

The following day, I lost my job as a driver.

Life is cruel.

Cute Driver

She Might Want To Check What Gear She's In As Well

 

From Bizarro

 

Driving

Letter to the editor in the Sydney Herald  Sun...

A Poem by Pam Ayres

I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my Wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty k's an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

The Heart Doctor's Lecture

A famous heart doctor goes to give a lecture to a group of physicians from out of town. As he going to the auditorium there he says to his driver, “Ya know Jim, I really feel like the crap today, I wish I could get out of giving this lecture and just sit and rest.”

Now Jim had been this doctor’s chauffeur for 10 years, and he had a great relationship with the doctor. He say, “Hey doc. I could give the lecture for you.”

The doctor chuckles and says, “Jim, I like you and everything and you’re a great guy, but in all honesty, you don’t really know about what I do.”
Jim responds, “You’re right, but I’ve been watching you give this lecture for the last ten years, I have the thing memorized: I could give it in my sleep! Plus, the doctors coming today are all from out of town, they have no idea what you look like, so they would have no idea I wasn’t you.”

The doctor really feels like shit, so he sits back, thinks for a second, and says, “What the hell, I trust you, let’s do it.” So they pull over to the side of the road, change outfits, and the doctor drives the rest of the way to the lecture hall.

When they get there, a hundred prominent heart surgeons are sitting in the auditorium, waiting for the lecture to start. The driver walks up to the podium in the front, and the doctor sits in the back with the driver’s hat on and looks around the room and thinks, “Oh god, what have it done! All of these doctors are famous and could squash my career if this lecture goes badly.” The driver gets to the podium, coughs, looks around the room and proceeds to give the lecture absolutely PERFECTLY! He hits every major point in the lecture, talks with eloquence and grace, and in general, gives the talk even better than the doctor ever did.

The doctor breathes a huge sigh of relief and then lays back in his chair and relaxes for the rest of the lecture. But then, as the lecture finishes and the lights go back up, a lump catches in the doctor’s throat as he realizes one thing: he had scheduled this lecture with a question and answer session afterwards!

Among the visiting doctors, a couple of hands go up, and the doctor looks on in horror as the driver picks the hand of the most prominent heart surgeon in the entire country. He proceeds to ask the most complicated, detailed, mind-bogglingly complex question the doctor had ever heard after any lecture ever, and the room goes silent to see the how the famous heart doctor will respond.

The driver looks down and is silent for a moment. The doctor sitting in the back is petrified with fear; he knows there is absolutely no way the driver could possibly know the answer to this question: his career as a lecturer is over!

And then the driver looks at the surgeon that asked the question, points to the back of the room, and says, “Sir, That question is so ridiculously easy, I’m going to let my driver answer it.”