Bonus

From Buni Comic

I am on a diet and my friend asked me how it's going.

"Not good", I said, "I had eggs for breakfast."

"Fried?" He asked.

"Chocolate!" I replied.

Headless Love

From The Argyle Sweater

From Mark Lynch

Why was the dieting Roman so thrilled?

His toga size went from L to XL.

Reminder

My New Year's Resolution was to lose 10 pounds by the end of January.

Only 13 to go now.

Diet Advice

From Mark Lynch

They say that every piece of chocolate that you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes.

I've done the maths.

Apparently, I died in 1977.

Kindergarten Problem

From Liniers Cartoon

A kindergarten teacher asked her students what part of the body grew 10x its size when stimulated.

All of the students stayed quiet until Little Susie stood up and said, "I'm going to tell my mommy and daddy what you're teaching us!"

The teacher didn't answer her and asked the class again, "What part of the body grows 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Susie began to turn red in the face and said, "My parents are going to tell the principal and have you fired!"

Again, the teacher ignored her and asked a third time, with Little Mikey finally saying, "The pupil of the eye."

The teacher said, "You're correct, Little Mikey.

"And as for you, Little Susie:

"One, you have a dirty mind.

"Two, you didn't do your homework.

"And three, you're going to be *very* disappointed one day."

Revolutionary Diet

From Moderately Confused

A whale swims all day, only consumes fish and water, and is fat.

A rabbit only eats vegetables, runs and hops all day long, and only lives 5 years.

Meanwhile a tortoise doesn't run and does nothing energetic, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to eat well and exercise! I don't think so.

Taking Care

From ExtraFabulousComics

Sex burns up 350 calories each time.

Please help me, I'm on a diet.

A Taste Of Freedom

From Speedbump

From Dave Whamond

EXCLUSIVE: List of confirmed opening times for Super Saturday.

11.00 - Red Lion

12.00 - King's Head

13.00 - Royal Oak

14.00 - Rose and Crown

21.00 - NHS Nightingale

From HIGNFY

Wife: Did I get fat during quarantine?

Husband: You were never really skinny!

Time of Death: 11.32 4/7/2020

Cause of Death: Coronavirus

Distancing

From Cyanide & Happiness

From Buni Comic

Straw Man

From Bizarro

Yet More Gary Delaney Jokes

Apparently there are fog patches on the M6. I can only presume it is trying to give up fog.

I was thrown out of my cloning exam for copying the kid next to me.

If you do what you love you'll never work a day in your life, especially if what you love is heroin.

Roses are loud,

Violets are sweet,

I've got synaesthesia,

Also I'm not very good at rhymes.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a person? - SAD Research Centre.

Cleopatra's Needle. Good point, well made.

I can only imagine the confusion when Slash has to give someone his website address.

The other day I was comparing pictures of a young and old Michael Jackson and I was struck by lightening.

I was struck by lightning the other day. I was walking down the road and I thought 'Lightning really is remarkable'.

People have said I'm unimaginative, but I say to them, no you're unimaginative.

Matchmaking is hard. I texted my dyslexic friend asking if she fancied Alan and she got all upset for some reason.

When it comes to understanding similes I'm like a fish out of Marillion.

This diet was hard at first but now I'm really starting to find my feet.

Glaswegian pet shop: 'I'm looking for something pretty that flies' 'Parakeets?' 'Well I'm not sure it's windy enough, but I'll take one'.

Santa gave her what she wished for, a donor heart and a perfect match! She rang her twin sister to share the news. No answer.

I tried to read a book on how to be a more imaginative lover but I couldn't get past the opening passage.

Disappointed in the giant advent calendar at the end of my road. None of the 25 doors contain chocolate at all, just scared looking families.

A vase is really just a hospice for flowers.

To be honest I didn't really understand 'The Emperor's New Clothes' but everyone else did, so I said I did too.

I've got a Welsh friend who says he always trusts his gaydar, and also his mom who's heterosexual.

Let Us Eat And Drink, For Tomorrow We Diet

From smbc

Failing Resolutions

From LunarBaboon

 

Paleo Diet

From Bizarro