Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Thursday, 11 January 2024
Tuesday, 3 August 2021
Panda Pranks
Last night my wife sent me a text, saying she was in casualty.
When I got home, I watched all 50 minutes of it – I didn't see her once.
She still hasn't come home yet.
I'm starving! :(
Monday, 10 December 2018
Never Try To Match Wits With Children
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples...'
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples...'
Wednesday, 7 November 2018
Cleaning Golf Shoes
Jack decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes; his wife was standing there watching him.
After a long period of silence, she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should just sell your golf clubs."
Jack gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
And Jack says, "There for a minute, you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
And Jack replies, "I wasn't."
Friday, 7 September 2018
Disorder In Court
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: If not, he was by the time I finished.
Attorney: How far from the accident were you when it happened?
Witness: He replied "36 feet, 2 and a quarter inches"
Attorney: Nonsense how can you be so precise?
Witness: Well I knew some bloody fool would ask me so I measured it.
Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.
Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Attorney: This myasthenia gravis... Does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
Witness: He said, "where am I, Doris?"
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.
Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: If not, he was by the time I finished.
Attorney: How far from the accident were you when it happened?
Witness: He replied "36 feet, 2 and a quarter inches"
Attorney: Nonsense how can you be so precise?
Witness: Well I knew some bloody fool would ask me so I measured it.
Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.
Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Attorney: This myasthenia gravis... Does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
Witness: He said, "where am I, Doris?"
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.
Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No. I just lie there.
Attorney: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
Witness: The victim lived.
Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Attorney: the youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Attorney: How old is your son - the one living with you.
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Attorney: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.
Attorney: And where was the location of the accident?
Witness: Approximately milepost 499.
Attorney: And where is milepost 499?
Witness: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
Witness: We both do.
Attorney: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Attorney: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.
Attorney: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Attorney: What did she say?
Witness: What disco am I at?
Attorney: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Witness: That's me.
Attorney: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Attorney: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Attorney: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
Witness: I'll be three months on November 8.
Attorney: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: What were you doing at that time?
Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No. I just lie there.
Attorney: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
Witness: The victim lived.
Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Attorney: the youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Attorney: How old is your son - the one living with you.
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Attorney: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.
Attorney: And where was the location of the accident?
Witness: Approximately milepost 499.
Attorney: And where is milepost 499?
Witness: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
Witness: We both do.
Attorney: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Attorney: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.
Attorney: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Attorney: What did she say?
Witness: What disco am I at?
Attorney: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Witness: That's me.
Attorney: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Attorney: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Attorney: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
Witness: I'll be three months on November 8.
Attorney: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: What were you doing at that time?
Witness: Getting laid.
Attorney: How many times have you committed suicide?
Witness: Four times.
Attorney: Did he kill you?
Attorney: You don't know what it was and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Attorney: Have you lived in this town all your life?
Witness: Not yet.
Attorney: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Attorney: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
Witness: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Attorney: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
Witness: Yes sir.
Attorney: Before or after he died?
Attorney: Lawyer: "What happened then?
Witness: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Attorney: Did he kill you?
Witness: Witness: "No.
Attorney: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man.
Witness: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.
Attorney: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Attorney: So you were gone until you returned?
Attorney: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male, or a female?
Witness: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Attorney: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
Attorney: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.
Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Attorney: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
Attorney: You were not shot in the fracas?
Witness: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Attorney: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
Witness: There were traces of semen.
Attorney: Male semen?
Witness: That's the only kind I know of.
Attorney: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
Witness: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Attorney: It was covered?
Witness: Yes. Bandaged.
Attorney: Then, later on, what did you see?
Witness: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
Attorney: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
Witness: "I swear by Almighty God."
Attorney: "That the evidence that I give..."
Witness: That's right.
Attorney: Repeat it.
Witness: "Repeat it".
Attorney: No! Repeat what I said.
Witness: What you said when?
Attorney: "That the evidence that I give..."
Witness: "That the evidence that I give."
Attorney: "Shall be the truth and..."
Witness: It will, and nothing but the truth!
Attorney: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
Witness: I'm not a scholar, you know.
Attorney: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
Witness: "Shall be the truth and."
Attorney: Say: "Nothing...".
Witness: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
Attorney: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: Well? Do so.
Witness: You're confusing me.
Attorney: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
Witness: Okay. I understand.
Attorney: Then say it.
Witness: What?
Attorney: "Nothing but the truth..."
Witness: But I do! That's just it.
Attorney: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
Witness: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
Attorney: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
Witness: What? You mean, like, now?
Attorney: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
Witness: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
Attorney: Thank you.
Witness: I'm just not a scholar.
Attorney: How far away were you from the accident.
Witness: The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."
Attorney: What? How come you are so sure of that distance?
Witness: Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So, I measured it!
Attorney: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
Witness: I did.
Attorney: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
Witness: I did.
Attorney: And did you observe anything?
Witness: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
Attorney: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
Witness: I saw George.
Attorney: You saw George, the defendant in this case?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: Can you tell the Court what George was doing?
Witness: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
Attorney: Well, would you kindly do so?
Witness: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
Attorney: His "thing"?
Witness: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
Attorney: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: Did you say anything to him?
Witness: Of course, I did!
Attorney: What did you say to him?
Witness: "Morning, George.
Attorney: How many times have you committed suicide?
Witness: Four times.
Attorney: Did he kill you?
Attorney: You don't know what it was and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Attorney: Have you lived in this town all your life?
Witness: Not yet.
Attorney: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Attorney: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
Witness: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Attorney: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
Witness: Yes sir.
Attorney: Before or after he died?
Attorney: Lawyer: "What happened then?
Witness: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Attorney: Did he kill you?
Witness: Witness: "No.
Attorney: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man.
Witness: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.
Attorney: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Attorney: So you were gone until you returned?
Attorney: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male, or a female?
Witness: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Attorney: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
Attorney: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.
Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Attorney: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
Attorney: You were not shot in the fracas?
Witness: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Attorney: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
Witness: There were traces of semen.
Attorney: Male semen?
Witness: That's the only kind I know of.
Attorney: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
Witness: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Attorney: It was covered?
Witness: Yes. Bandaged.
Attorney: Then, later on, what did you see?
Witness: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
Attorney: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
Witness: "I swear by Almighty God."
Attorney: "That the evidence that I give..."
Witness: That's right.
Attorney: Repeat it.
Witness: "Repeat it".
Attorney: No! Repeat what I said.
Witness: What you said when?
Attorney: "That the evidence that I give..."
Witness: "That the evidence that I give."
Attorney: "Shall be the truth and..."
Witness: It will, and nothing but the truth!
Attorney: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
Witness: I'm not a scholar, you know.
Attorney: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
Witness: "Shall be the truth and."
Attorney: Say: "Nothing...".
Witness: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
Attorney: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: Well? Do so.
Witness: You're confusing me.
Attorney: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
Witness: Okay. I understand.
Attorney: Then say it.
Witness: What?
Attorney: "Nothing but the truth..."
Witness: But I do! That's just it.
Attorney: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
Witness: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
Attorney: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
Witness: What? You mean, like, now?
Attorney: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
Witness: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
Attorney: Thank you.
Witness: I'm just not a scholar.
Attorney: How far away were you from the accident.
Witness: The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."
Attorney: What? How come you are so sure of that distance?
Witness: Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So, I measured it!
Attorney: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
Witness: I did.
Attorney: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
Witness: I did.
Attorney: And did you observe anything?
Witness: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
Attorney: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
Witness: I saw George.
Attorney: You saw George, the defendant in this case?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: Can you tell the Court what George was doing?
Witness: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
Attorney: Well, would you kindly do so?
Witness: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
Attorney: His "thing"?
Witness: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
Attorney: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: Did you say anything to him?
Witness: Of course, I did!
Attorney: What did you say to him?
Witness: "Morning, George.
Wednesday, 5 September 2018
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer
a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. " A normal person would
use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the director. "A normal person would pull
the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or over near the heater?"
Wednesday, 22 August 2018
Golf Or What
Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf. He pretends he's sick and convinces the associate pastor to say Mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he won't run into anyone from his parish. On the first tee, he sees that he has the entire course to himself—everyone else is in church!
Watching all this from the heavens, Saint Peter leans over to the Lord and asks, "Are you going to let him get away with this?"
Just then Father Norton hits the ball and it heads straight for the pin, dropping just short of it, rolls up and falls into the hole-a 420 yard hole in one!
Astonished, St. Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiles and replies, "Who's he going to tell?"
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?
"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'."
"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'. So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."
"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what...?"Wednesday, 9 November 2016
Quick Nonet
The first rule of tautology club
is the first rule of tautology club.
When I was a kid my English
teacher looked in my direction and said, "Name two pronouns".
I said, "who, me?"
Why can't you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
Did you hear about the man who
was cooled to absolute zero?
He's 0K now.
Your mother is so classless she
could be a Marxist utopia.
There's a band called 1023MB.
They haven't got any gigs yet.
Sodium sodium sodium sodium
sodium sodium sodium sodium Batman.
René Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender asks him if he
wants a drink."I think not", he replies, and disappears.
The first rule of Alzheimer’s
club – don’t talk about chess club.
Monday, 18 July 2016
Thursday, 28 January 2016
Tim Vine Jokes
Three cheers for rap music.
Hip hop . . . hooray
Hip hop . . . hooray
Hip hop . . . hooray
Who can tell you what will happen to your nose in the future?
Nostrildamus.
He said, "my dog's go no dictionary".
I said, "how does he spell terrible?"
He said, "Do you know anything about how to become self employed?"
I said, "Mind your own business".
I live next door to a horse.
He's my neigh-bour.
Hip hop . . . hooray
Hip hop . . . hooray
Hip hop . . . hooray
Who can tell you what will happen to your nose in the future?
Nostrildamus.
He said, "my dog's go no dictionary".
I said, "how does he spell terrible?"
He said, "Do you know anything about how to become self employed?"
I said, "Mind your own business".
I live next door to a horse.
He's my neigh-bour.
Monday, 11 January 2016
Glaswegian Wedding
Two Glaswegians, Archie and
Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the Minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt", exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.
What's the tartan?...."
"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white!
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the Minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt", exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.
What's the tartan?...."
"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white!
Monday, 14 December 2015
Weekend Break
A
Manchester United fan goes into a travel agents and says, "I'm looking for
a weekend away in England, but I don't know where to go?" The travel agent
says, "You can't beat Bournemouth at this time of year."
Saturday, 11 July 2015
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi, Wanda!
2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?
2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
Thursday, 7 May 2015
Exercise For The Over 55s
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10lb potato sacks.
Once you’re comfortable with this move on to 25lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for a full minute.
(As I write this I have to admit that I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at this level, try putting a potato in each of the sacks.
Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10lb potato sacks.
Once you’re comfortable with this move on to 25lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for a full minute.
(As I write this I have to admit that I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at this level, try putting a potato in each of the sacks.
Sunday, 3 May 2015
The Cost Of Beer
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man:
Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man:
$5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari then?
Do you drink beer?
Man:
Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man:
$5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari then?
Monday, 1 September 2014
Ferrari F1 Pit Crew
"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 6 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for.
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 6 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for.
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
Tuesday, 10 June 2014
Toast Prize
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
Wednesday, 14 May 2014
Oldies
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them to remember them.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and asks, 'Where's my toast?'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man asked, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said, 'she’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
The first one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
The second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
The third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour, 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said you've got a heart murmur, be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'arthritis.'
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and asks, 'Where's my toast?'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man asked, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said, 'she’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
The first one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
The second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
The third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour, 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said you've got a heart murmur, be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'arthritis.'
Monday, 5 May 2014
A Thinking Man
What deep thinkers men are. I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink
facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer.
Thursday, 27 February 2014
Swish Medicine
Brenda make an appointment to see her doctor, because she is worried about her husband's bad temper.
Doctor Thomas asks: "What's the problem?"
Brenda says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband Jimmy seems to lose his temper for no reason. It's beginning to scare me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that Jimmy is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later Brenda returns to the doctor looking fresh and happy.
Brenda says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
Dr Thomas says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
Doctor Thomas asks: "What's the problem?"
Brenda says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband Jimmy seems to lose his temper for no reason. It's beginning to scare me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that Jimmy is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later Brenda returns to the doctor looking fresh and happy.
Brenda says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
Dr Thomas says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
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