It's 'Round Here Somewhere

From Bliss

My son: Dad, I’ve lost my dictionary.

Me: Have you looked upstairs?

My son: Dad! I can’t look up anything.

Never Satisfied

From Bliss

My sex change operation from male to female went really well.

It was so successful, I'm still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

Taking Phone Calls At Work

From Bliss

"Hello, is that the cricket club?"

"Yes."

"Could I speak to Mike please?"

"I'm sorry, he's in at the moment. I'll get him to call you back when he's out!"

Don’t Bite The Hound That Feeds You

From Bliss

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A labracadabradoodle.

Threesome

From Bliss

I bought a mail order bride but I was out when she was delivered so now she’s married to the bloke next door.

Sign Of Trouble

From Bliss

My Wife and I were recommended to try a sperm donor.

So we did, but neither of us liked it.

Next time we're sticking to our regular kebabs.

The Road Less Travelled

From Bliss

This morning my wife called to tell me that she saw a fox on the way to work.

I asked her how she knew it was on its way to work.

She hung up on me.

Interview Faux Pas

From Bliss

Interviewer: "This says you tend to jump to conclusions"

Me: "So I'm hired?"

Untrained Dog

From Bliss

So, the Movember Moustache was finally shaved off this morning.

I'm so happy . . . my wife was starting to look like Tom Selleck.

Pupkin

From Bliss

A piece of pumpkin pie costs $2.00 in Jamaica and $2.45 in Barbados.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Good Dog Bad Dog

From Bliss

From Bliss

Can anyone give me an estimate of how many ball parks there are?

Getting The Perfect Shot

From Bliss

I just failed my abseiling exam.

I let myself down badly there.

Can't Talk Right Now

From Bliss

People say I'm shallow.

Which is great, as it means they're talking about me.

Courage

From Bliss

Ladies, if a guy:

- remembers your birthday

- knows what you enjoy

- saves your pictures

- harvests your data

- keeps your passwords in plain text;

this guy is not your man.

This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

Night Terrors

From Bliss

How do you tell the difference between a bugler and a burglar?

One of them has a bugle.

And the other one is really upset that his bugle's been stolen.

Well Chosen Present

From Bliss

Does anyone know where the Tesco staff Christmas party is being held this year?

I've been using the self-checkout all year so I figured that I'd go along.

Pet Pranks

From Bliss

I managed to get all my Christmas shopping done this morning.

I hope that everyone likes Halloween costumes.

Performance Anxiety

From Bliss

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Sí."

"Ja."

Homecoming

From Bliss

I couldn't believe it today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine.

She says I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.

Imposter

From Bliss

Q: What's the friendliest animal in the sea?

A: A cuddle-fish.