Today marks my last day of being an employed person.
Over the years various people have regaled me with jokes about actuaries that they seemed to find funny. Below is a collection of some that I remembered to write down. I'll leave it to you to decide whether people found the jokes to be genuinely funny, or whether they were just enjoying making fun of the actuarial profession.
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An Actuary is man who may reach any conclusion you give him.
An actuary is a person, who passes as an expert on the basis of a prolific ability to produce an infinite variety of incomprehensive figures calculated with micrometric precision from the vaguest of assumptions based on debatable evidence from inconclusive data derived by persons of questionable reliability for the sole purpose of confusing an already hopelessly befuddled group of persons who never read the statistics anyway!
The work of actuarial science is to demonstrate impressions.
Three young men, a solicitor, an accountant and an actuary, were discussing whether they wanted a wife or a mistress.
The solicitor said a mistress was better for legal reasons, the accountant said a wife was better for tax reasons but the actuary said he wanted both: "Then the wife will think I'm with the mistress, and the mistress will think I'm with the wife, and I can spend more time at the office".
An Actuary expects everyone to be dead on time.
Two people are flying in a hot air balloon and realise they are lost. They see a man on the ground, so they navigate the balloon to where they can speak to him. They yell to him, "Can you help us – we're lost?"
The man on the ground replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, about two hundred feet off the ground."
One of the people in the balloon replies to the man on the ground, "You must be an actuary."
"How do you know that?" asks the man on the ground.
The balloonist replies, "You're no help at all, you gave us information that is accurate, but completely useless."
The actuary on the ground yells to the people in the balloon, "you must be in marketing."
They yell back, "yes, how did you know?"
The actuary says," well, you're in the same situation you were in before you talked to me, but now it's my fault."
What is two plus two?
Head of Marketing: 22
Accountant: 4.00
Mathematician: I can show that it equals 4 using the following proof …
Actuary: What do you want it to be?
I've spoken to two other actuaries so we've got six opinions." – Ray Milne, Scottish Life.
A consulting actuary is a person who, when asked what time it is, tells you how to build a watch.
An Actuary is a man who uses highly precise methods to go from unwarranted assumptions to foregone conclusions.
Give an actuary an inch, and he'll measure it.
What do you get when you cross an actuary with a member of the Mafia?
An offer you cannot refuse, but do not understand.
How do you tell an introverted actuary from an extroverted one?
The latter gazes at YOUR shoes.
Two underwriters boarded a plane. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an actuary got on and took the aisle seat next to the two underwriters. The actuary kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the underwriter in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a soda."
"No problem," said the actuary, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the underwriters picked up one of the actuary's shoes and spat in it. When he returned with the soda, the other underwriter said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the actuary obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other underwriter picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Actuary returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Actuary slipped his feet into his shoes and immediately realised what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in sodas?"
How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb?
The square root of the number it takes to change a heavy one.
How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb?
None - it is assumed to be working.
How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb?
1.27625, assuming experience based on CLI 1990-1994, applicable to consulting actuaries over age 45 (NB CLI = changing light bulb investigation).
How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten:-
No.1 to get the assignment
No.2 to analyse the workings of the lamp
No.3 to set the replacement assumptions
No.4 to determine the method
No.5 to do the work
No.6 to check the work
No.7 to write the report announcing successful solution to the public
No.8 to peer review the report
No.9 to prepare the invoice
No. 10 to justify its size to the startled client.
How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb?
Actuary: "What's a light bulb, that wasn't in any of the exams."
An actuary, an underwriter, and an insurance salesman are travelling by car. The salesperson has his foot on the accelerator, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go.
Old actuaries never die they just...
- get broken down by age and sex.
- join the q.
- mu-tate.
- lose their faculty.
- merely tend to infinity.
- run off.
- graduate to ultimate mortality.
- expire at the end of the table.
- lose count of their marbles.
- Dcease
