Sharing

From LunarBaboon

I love putting on warm underwear straight out of the dryer.

Plus, it's fun to look around the launderette and guess who they belong to.

When You Buy Toilet Roll

From LunarBaboon

A guy is picking up his kids at school when he sees another kid and says loudly, "oh wow, what an ugly kid!"

The person standing next to him says, "careful mister, he's my son."

The guy, feeling pretty embarrassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father."

"I'm not", the other parent replies, "I'm his mum."

Skills

From LunarBaboon

The wife's hair salon raised its prices and now she can either afford a haircut or a recolour, but not both.

Every visit is a do-or-dye situation.

Creative

From LunarBaboon

My internet was down yesterday, so I chatted with my wife for a bit.

I was amazed to hear that she doesn't work at Woolworths anymore.

Naked and Waiting

From LunarBaboon

Yesterday it was so cold that I took my kitten into my bed with me.
The poor thing was frozen.
I thought I'd thaw a putty-tat!

Sleepy

From LunarBaboon

I went to see my doctor about my insomnia.

Unfortunately, it turned out that the surgery isn't open at half three in the morning.

Favourite

From LunarBaboon

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.

While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150?"

The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

The Sock

From LunarBaboon

It was a very painful day when my mother took me aside and said, "Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted".

What made it worse was when she said, "Your new parents are waiting outside in the car".

Forever

From LunarBaboon

Human Problem

From LunarBaboon

From Speedbump

From LunarBaboon

The TV news just displayed three images of women who claimed that Jimmy Savile sexually assaulted them.

They showed a current picture of each of the women, together with a photograph of each of them taken back in the seventies.

The caption read: 'Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.'

How To Fix It

From LunarBaboon

The wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

Massage

From LunarBaboon

[first day as a pilot]

Control Tower: "What are your coordinates?"

Me: "I'm by a cloud that looks like a lion"

Control Tower: "Can you be more specific?"

Me: "Simba"

Normal Side Effects Of A Long Quarantine

From LunarBaboon

From Walt Handelsman

Who would have thought that eight weeks of uncut hair would weigh a stone, but who am I to argue with the bathroom scales?

Bee

From LunarBaboon

Delicious Chocolates

From LunarBaboon

21st Century Sleeping Beauty

From LunarBaboon

Sweet Dreams

From LunarBaboon

Wanted Ad

From LunarBaboon

Practice

From LunarBaboon