Cat Burglar

From OffTheMark

I never thought that I'd be the sort of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

AI Café

From Pardon My Planet

I was in a restaurant when a waitress shouted "ANYONE KNOW CPR?"

I said "Yeah I know the whole alphabet!"

Everyone laughed.

Well, everyone except this one guy!

Threesome

From Bliss

I bought a mail order bride but I was out when she was delivered so now she’s married to the bloke next door.

Every Book You Ever Wanted

There was a fire drill at IKEA yesterday . . .

. . . we all assembled in the car park!

Visiting Ararat

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

I've just checked my home insurance policy, and apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, I'm not covered!

Bonus

From Buni Comic

I am on a diet and my friend asked me how it's going

"Not good", I said, "I had eggs for breakfast."

"Fried?" He asked.

"Chocolate!" I replied.

Opposites Attract

From Mark Lynch

Why do polar bears only live at the north pole?

Because if they also lived at the south pole, they would be bipolar bears.