Oldie

A man walks up to a pregnant woman at a bus stop

"When is it due" he asks.

"Two weeks" she replies.

"I guess I'll just walk then" he responds.

Misaligned

From Andertoons

I had an audition to become the trumpet player in my local jazz quartet today.

Everything was going really well at first, but then I blew it.

Liking It Ruff

From Monster Picnic

I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the duvet.

After a few seconds my wife shouted, "What is up with you, that really stinks!"

It must have been pretty bad; she was downstairs at the time!

Untrained Dog

From Bliss

So, the Movember Moustache was finally shaved off this morning.

I'm so happy . . . my wife was starting to look like Tom Selleck.

Trojan Bargain

From smbc

I'm absolutely gutted.

Kajagoogoo tickets just went on sale for £30 but I've only got £28.

Sans Sheriff

From Noel Curry

Police have arrested the world tongue twister champion . . .

. . . he will be given a tough sentence.

Lost Property

From Leigh Rubin

I found thousands of letters in my letterbox this morning.

That's the last time I order a dictionary from IKEA.