Giraffe Toilet

From At Random Comics

Why can’t you hear when a pterodactyl goes to the toilet?

Because they have a silent p.

Poor Planning

From Reality Check

From Speedbump

If you're American when you go into the toilet

And American when you leave the toilet

What are you whilst you're using the toilet?

Eurapeeing.

Co-worker Complaints

From War and Peas

A giraffe can grow up to 18 feet.

But they usually only have 4.

Troublesome Little Piggy

From The Argyle Sweater

It was early last September

As near as I can remember

While strolling down a lane in tipsy pride

Not a word did I utter

As I lay down in the gutter

And this pig came up and lay there by my side

 

Not a soul was I disturbing

As I lay there by the curbing

When a high toned lady passed I heard her say:

You can tell a man who boozes

By the company he chooses

And the pig got up and slowly walked away

Bear House

From The Argyle Sweater

A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.

He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes.

So, he calls emergency services and says, "I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"

"Well," the operator says, "Are they moving?"

"I don't know," he replied, "But if they were, that would explain the suitcase."

Flow

From Buni Comic

I recently bought a toilet brush.

To cut a long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper!

New Tricks

From Speedbump

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the Tube.

It only took us an hour to get from Barking to Tooting.

Interrupted Journey

From Speedbump

When Nature Calls

From Loading Artist

I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking.

How inconsiderate is that?

It was so disgusting I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich!

Toilet Humour

From Loading Artist

However, he can't, because the punch line is out of order.

A man at a party wants to grab some punch, so he walks to the punch line.

A Happy Place

From A Third Thing

I was in a public toilet and had just sat down when a voice from the next cubicle said, "Hi. How are you today?"

Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine, thanks."

The voice said, "So, what are you up to?"

I said, "Well, I'm probably doing the same as you, I expect. Sitting here, waiting..."

From next door, "Can I come over?"

Annoyed, I said, "No, you can not, you dodgy pervert."

The voice then said, "Listen, I'm going to have to ring you back. There's some moron in the next cubicle listening to every word I say."

How To Peel A Banana

From Scribbly G

I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.

It's pointless.

Innovation

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

From Scribbly G

A few years ago, I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.

It was a flop.

Comic Relief

From Speedbump

2 clowns were eating a cannibal and one says to the other "I think we're doing this joke wrong"

A Dozen Delaneys

It's called 'Getting your guns out' because you have the right to bare arms.

 

Metamorphosis isn't the only book about a man who wakes one day to discover he's suddenly a beetle. There's also Ringo Starr's autobiography.

 

My girlfriend says I'm paranoid. Well she doesn't say it, but she thinks it.

 

I've got a solution to the growing problem of obesity in schoolchildren - bring back bullying. Some people think that's a bit harsh, and they could be right, you shouldn't have a go at the fat kids, they've got enough on their plates already.

 

I've got one of those anti-bullying wrist bands. Didn't buy it; nicked it off a wimpy kid.

 

Somebody told me I was the second least inquisitive person they'd ever met and I said 'That's good'.

 

I thought I saw Idris Elba in town earlier, but it turned out it was just Idris Arse.

 

Ampersand should really be written ampers&.

 

Why do you never hear Michelle Pfeiffer in the toilet? Because she has a silent P.

 

My jacket has patches on the elbows as it used to be a smoking jacket.

Common Land

From OffTheMark

People saying PIN number or ATM machine really make me LOL out loud.

Is The Pope Catholic?

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

Q: What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

A: Dr Dre

Fairground Toilets

From Sunny Street

At any one time a bowl of nuts on a bar will have 17 types of urine on them.

That's why they're called peanuts.

Poop Technique

Husband: "I've cleaned the bathroom."

Wife: "Aw, thanks babe."

Husband: "Remind me why we keep the toilet brush in the shower?"

Wife: "What?"

Husband: "The toilet brush. Why do we keep it in the shower?"

Wife: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Husband: "That Shredded Wheat thing."

Wife: "MY LOOFAH?"

Husband: "What? You're telling me you named the damn toilet brush?"

Old Hibernating Bears

From The Argyle Sweater