Cinch

From Loose Parts

How do you get a snake into Hogwarts?

You tell it to slither in.

Hair Art

From Jonesy

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

White Bread

From Loading Artist

What is a duck’s drug of choice?

Quack

How do you legalize Quack?

You start by passing a bill.

Suicidal Thoughts

From AThirdThing

“Doctor, those pills you gave me are working well but they are making walk like a crab”.

“Oh, that’ll be the side effects”

This Season's Fashion

From Buni Comic

Why is Pride month in the summer, rather than during the autumn season?

Because the Pride comes before the fall.

What I Did In The Summer Holidays

From OffTheMark

Why can keyboards never sleep?

Because they have two shifts.

Octotwister

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

What do humans and octopuses have in common?

Two sets of forearms.

Bored

From Mark Lynch

I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

Hair BnB

From TheArgyleSweater

Yesterday I put a giant map of the world up on the kitchen wall and gave my wife a dart.

I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday next year.

It looks like we're going to be spending three weeks behind the fridge.

Yakini

From Scott Metzger

What kind of creature do you get when you mix a yak and a lion?

A maney-yak.

Human Emotion

From smbc

I got really emotional at the petrol pump this morning.

I don't know why but I just started filling up.

Goldilocks Epilogue

From Wrong Hands

It's called 'Getting your guns out' because you have the right to bare arms.

Pudding

From GoodBearComics

Me: “I’ll have the steak please”

Waiter: “How do you like it?”

Me: “I don’t know you haven’t given it to me yet”

Yus M'Lady

What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir-line.

Potential Breakthrough

From Jonesy

I was going to post a social media joke.

But I'm pretty sure you have already Reddit.

Caring Community

From Bizarro

Today at the park

Saw a six foot tall pigeon

Now that's a high coo!

Directions

From Joseph Nowak

Travel Update:

Reports are coming in that a lorry carrying snooker equipment has overturned on the A69 near Carlisle,

Motorists are advised to avoid the area if possible as there are cues in both directions.

Solution

I entered a competition to find the most considerate lover.

I came second.

Home Alone

From GoodBearComics

Him: I saw you walking your dogs yesterday.

Her: They’re not my dogs, they’re my sister’s.

Him: Your sisters sure are ugly.

It's 'Round Here Somewhere

From Bliss

My son: Dad, I’ve lost my dictionary.

Me: Have you looked upstairs?

My son: Dad! I can’t look up anything.