You're Toast Mate

From Buni Comic

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Pacpie

I love pie.

I could eat it 22/7

Pre-Voyage Safety Announcement

From Mark Lynch

The more I get to know people, the more I realise why Noah only let animals onto his ark.

Ideal Dinner Date

From Twonk Comics

Date: "What do you do?"

Me: *holds up menu* "You just choose a meal from this book of food"

Be Honest

From Faceless

No man has ever won a game of, "Notice anything different about me?"

ReBoot

From smbc

I've donated sperm so often that I get turned on by those plastic cups.

Also, I'm banned from Tupperware parties.

Organic Growth Business Plan

From Rhymes With Orange

Bananas make things around them ripen faster and this is why you never see a young greengrocer.

Skill

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I used to work in a warehouse and one day I had a very heavy box to pick up.

I wasn't sure what the best way to do it was so I sent a message to my boss asking him and he texted straight back.

Negotiation

From At Random Comics

A wealthy looking man walks into a bar and sees a young, attractive woman.

He approaches her and asks, "Excuse me, Miss. I was curious, would you be willing to sleep with me for £10?"

She responds, "Absolutely not, leave me alone".

So he continues, "How about for a million pounds transferred to your bank account before we start?"

Now she looks interested. "Of course, a million pounds would set me up for life".

But he doesn't stop there, "Will you sleep with me for £50?"

This time she answers, "Not at all. What kind of woman do you think I am?"

The man replies, "We have already established that. Now we're just haggling over the price."