Catherine Fish

From Cyanide & Happiness

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

When You Buy Toilet Roll

From LunarBaboon

A guy is picking up his kids at school when he sees another kid and says loudly, "oh wow, what an ugly kid!"

The person standing next to him says, "careful mister, he's my son."

The guy, feeling pretty embarrassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father."

"I'm not", the other parent replies, "I'm his mum."

Bakery

From JimBenton

I was shopping in Tesco the other day and there was a weird looking child running around the place like a lunatic.

So, I said to the bloke standing next to me, "Whoa. That is one ugly kid running around."

He looked at me and snarled, "That is my son."

I baulked and said, "Sorry, mate. I didn't realise you were his dad."

He said, "I'm not. I'm his mother."